College...

So...for those of you who don't know my story...I spent my freshman year at MacMurray College in Jacksonville, IL near Springfield. I decided to attend MacMurray because it was the only school in Illinois that made a sign language interpreting program. I wasn't really interested in leaving the state so after I found MacMurray I wasn't really interested in looking any further.
As soon as I got to MacMurray I knew something wasn't right. The school was not a Christian school so I was definitely outside my comfort zone. My year basically consisted of guys harassing me and my roommate. People getting drunk and being loud all the time making it hard to study and sleep. My friends would always leave me on the weekends so I spent them locked up in my dorm room. The college was doing VERY poorly and their staff was not a very qualified staff. Though that has some advantages too like easy classes :) The staff was not at all helpful when my roommate and I were being harassed. I didn't feel safe and I felt like I was being cheated out of a real college experience sometimes because the place was just boring and people were lame. So...I started feeling depressed and anxious. I went home every other weekend to be with my family and see a psychologist.
When I found Bethel...well, actually my mom found Bethel, I thought it was a godsend and that once I got there I would start to feel better. Well, once again I've set my expectations too high. I find it kind of odd that one thing my psychologist told me was wrong with me is that I was too negative. Well, you know, it is REALLY hard to stay positive and be realistic at the same time. I'm almost done with my first semester at Bethel and I'm starting to wonder if I will ever be TRULY happy at any college I go to. I mean, don't get me wrong, Bethel is a great place, but I still feel...lost...lacking...alone.
There are certain things about Bethel that I absolutely ADORE like the fact that I can actually talk to my professors about anything, they're approachable, they challenge you, they help you, they care about you, they understand you because they're Christian too. That's another thing I love. I'm not hearing the F word every fifteen minutes throughout the day. There aren't drunk people banging on my door at 3 o'clock in the morning. I've gotten involved here. I love my dance team Shekinah Glory. The girls are amazing and we really connect, but we don't really do anything together outside of dance and I'm such a shy and anxious person and I'm  like my grandma where I'm not gonna take the initiative. So, yes, I know some things I'm feeling are my fault. Bethel is a lot safer than MacMurray and they plan a lot more activities. I love chapel and that my spiritual needs are met. However, one thing I can't get other is being away from my family. I miss my friends at MacMurray. I had the BEST roommate last year and the BEST friends. They were exactly what I needed while going through that time. Before I left home for Bethel my mom said that she wasn't worried about me because she knew that God would send people to be with me.  I don't feel like that prayer has been answered. My roommate's family was so nice to me last year and I had a church that I could walk to every Sunday and they treated me like family. I haven't had any luck finding a new church yet. Even though I wasn't at a Christian college last year I felt like I was doing more to strengthen my faith. Now it kinda feels like I'm just going through the motions.
So I'm starting to realize that I had to sacrifice some things for others. I still think Bethel is the better option for me and I am happy...occasionally. And I know some of the changes I'm in the process of making are going to take time. I wish I could feel and see the good in things while they're happening instead of realizing it after they have happened.

"There's just something really wrong with me. I want to change, but I__I can't. And I just know I'll never fit in anywhere."-Jo March, Little Women (one of my literary heroes.)