I should have been named Nancy cuz boy am I negative.

So you would think by now that I would learn not to give up on studying and doing my work because every time I get that final grade back and it's not what I want it to be I get angry and blame myself because I should have worked harder. Yup, you would think I would learn to stay motivated because of the awful feelings I get as consequences but I don't. It's like when I go to Tequilas. I know later I'll regret eating all those chips and salsa but I stuff my face with it anyway...then I get a tummy ache later and can't fall asleep. Then I get angry when I gain 5 pounds because I ate all that and had no motivation to exercise and even the 5 pounds I gained is not enough motivation to get me moving...man.

You know what makes those feelings even worse? I always feel so confident in my abilities and feel comfortable with the material. Then I get that grade and it's like...nope sorry you fail. That's why I don't really see the point in being positive or confident. It hurts more to have your hopes up and have them crushed then to not hope at all. But the pain from the latter usually last longer, but the pain from the first hurts more.

Ok, I think I'm done being negative now and getting my feelings out.

Over break I only plan on eating GOOD food, no more D.C. please,  sleeping in a nice big bed, playing with my puppy,  reading books, and writing novels, spending time with my family and friends, and having a wonderful Christmas without worrying about school besides getting my books...

After you allow me to do that I promise I'll come back Professors and work my butt off in your classes.

Sincerely,
Liz

Why I Love My Fasha.

So, today, after watching Jane Eyre yesterday and reading Jillian Dare (a modern edit of Jane Eyre) I began to think about my father and how if it were not for him I would have never come to love this book so much so here is my dad's list of why I love him so much.

1. As stated above, he gave me my first ever classic and Jane Eyre book and since then I have fallen more and more in love with the novel.
2. He loves me and his family unconditionally.
3. He was the only man growing up, unlike many other people in his situation, he chose not to follow in his father's footsteps for that I will always be grateful.
4. He's so kind to his mother and aunt. It's so cute. :)
5. He is dedicated and works VERY hard to support his family.
6. He's helping me pay for college.
7. He and Mom brought me to Christ.
8. Along with that he baptized me and confirmed me.
9. And along with that he and Mom gave me my Concordia Self-Study Bible on confirmation and I am SO glad they did because it's been a HUGE help in my theology class.
10. He believes in me and my abilities.
11. He never missed a band concert or dance recital.
12. He is such a man. He puts others' comfort above his own and tries to be all tough.
13. He's so excited about being a grampy and he's going to be a great one. He's always sympathized with his children for never having a real grandfather.
14. When I'm the one who is supposed to make dinner when Mom's working he's always the one to do it because he doesn't like to wait for dinner. :)
15. When I was being harassed at school he said he would drive 2 hours to come and stay at my dorm room with a baseball bat. :)
16. He always gives me, my sister, and Mom presents. (I guess we know what his love language is). :)
17. He has very good taste in books.
18. He is a very talented musician. I wish I would have made him teach me how to play the violin and I could have been a famous musician. :)
19. He has the craziest weirdest funniest jokes and impressions. One time he tried to make fun of my band director and gave him an Aramaic accent.
20. For every mistake I've made and all the things I've done to hurt him he has offered me forgiveness (Just like my Heavenly Father). :)
21. Ha...if my mom would have let him, he would have done all my homework in school. :) He loves to learn.

In S.D. a few summers ago. :) Dad always wanted to see Mt. Rushmore and we did. :)

Puppy Love

So all this snow that we've been getting up here at school is really making me anxious for Christmas and to be with my family. The newest member to our family is Peter Frampton, our mutt puppy. I can't help but wonder how he  would be able to survive in the snow up here since he's so small. :) I also decided to write this because I should be studying and practicing my final speech, but I really don't want to. :)
It's been a while since my family and I have had a dog. Our last dog passed away in February of 2009.
Some people do not treat dogs very kindly or have a high opinion of them. They think that people treat them better than other people and that they do not deserve that much love or attention. I agree that some people do treat their pets better than their family or other people, but the more I think about it the more I think, "You can't really blame them."
Not only has research shown that a person is likely to live longer if they have a pet, but also that it is a better stress reliever for a person to seek the comfort of  their pet rather than a person. There's also something about the love that comes from a puppy that is different then the kind given from people. Dogs seem to have this sixth sense where they can tell when something is bothering you without you even having to tell them. Can't do that with people. And believe me, many women hope that men were smart enough to know what they're feeling without having to tell them. Dogs are great exercise buddies because they don't make you feel self-conscious. They don't judge you by your appearance and you can't really compare your body to theirs. :) Pets are also great for the older population because sometimes their pet may literally be all they have. Plus puppies are just so stinken cute and personally I find their little whimpers and whines to be less annoying then an infant's waling. No offense to babies because I love them too and I'm still excited about my niece/nephew arriving. Only about a month more to go!

The last thing I want to say that is so great about a puppy is that they won't ever betray you. They can't spread lies about you or tell others your secrets. People think sometimes that a parent will treat a pet better than a child which I know is true because I've been a witness to it. But I think the reason behind that is because puppies are a lot easier to train than people are. We are so complex. We ask questions and there always has to be a reason for something. Plus, with some things it just takes us longer to learn. Parents may also do this because they think they can get away with more. Kids will talk back and try to argue. Pets don't do that and if they do they get beat and the dog can't do anything about it. There's a lot more tolerance for animal abuse than child abuse. Though I can see how that may be reversed because it takes a lot for a child to get taken out of the home and many cases go unreported. But maybe that aggression that parents have for their children they take out on their pets and vice versa. I just want people to have respect for animals but to also have respect for people. I believe that animals do have feeling and a soul. Maybe not the same as humans but they do, because God created them too. He created them first. There just needs to be a nice balance between puppy love and human love.

Me and FramptonMiss Daisy May :)

I have a dream...

So...last week in my Exploring the Christian Faith class we were talking about spiritual disciplines. On one of the questions we were asked what our biggest dream was if we did not have to worry about failure. At first I put that I would love to be a performer. I love to dance and I love seeing plays and musicals. But then once I started hearing everybody else's ideas I remembered  the one that I had. One that my mom and I started a while ago when my grandpa passed away.

After my grandpa passed away as you can imagine my grandma became very depressed and lonely and we kind of started to worry about her. How long she had left. What was she going to do now that she lived alone if something happened to her. Then we got on the subject of what would happen when grandma left us. What would happen to the house and all the land she has. How would we spend our summer vacations if we didn't go visit grandma a few times. Of course, my grandma would split up the land between her four children. That would be the fairest option. When my sister and I were younger we would say how cool it would be to turn Grandma's place into a camp. When my grandpa died that idea kind of resurfaced but I didn't really give it much thought. Until last year when my mom was saying what she would really like to do is make a camp out of it. I kept trying to convince my mother that we should do it, but she was like "no no, we wouldn't have enough money to do that because Ron, Roger, and Becky wouldn't give up their share and grandma wouldn't put it in her will for us to make her house into a camp." My mom is very good at shattering dreams. :( I've been trying to think about this dream more. Putting a name and a picture to it. I've come up with the idea of creating a camp for children in crisis. I think it would be neat for schools to send at-risk kids to our facility for a week during the school year or even a  few days and we would give them exercises to build up self-esteem and self-confidence. We would work on effective communication and positive coping skills. They would also have time to get to know the other students and have fun playing games. Then I was thinking that along with all of that, why not get my other passions involved. Something we could use as exercises for positive communication and coping is doing everyday things that kids love: writing, drawing, dancing, painting, singing, acting, those fine arts that give so many people joy, but don't always have the resources or encouragement to do. After they spent a week there during the school year, we would invite them to come back over the summer for a longer, maybe more intense, visit.
I know it would be very easy to find another place to do this and that it doesn't have to be my grandma's and if I can find another place that would be great, but the real reason that I want to have it at my grandma's is to keep her spirit alive and because it's the perfect location. Her place is quiet, calm, and relaxing.
The name I have in mind for the camp is Camp Caring Hands because I think I want to focus more on kids who are deaf, kids that get bullied for stupid reasons like that.

I know I could do this, but I definitely can't do it alone.

Me and Shelby from handicamp

Me with Mom and Grandma, we're Foxy ladies!

(Grandma and Mom's last name is Fox) :)

College...

So...for those of you who don't know my story...I spent my freshman year at MacMurray College in Jacksonville, IL near Springfield. I decided to attend MacMurray because it was the only school in Illinois that made a sign language interpreting program. I wasn't really interested in leaving the state so after I found MacMurray I wasn't really interested in looking any further.
As soon as I got to MacMurray I knew something wasn't right. The school was not a Christian school so I was definitely outside my comfort zone. My year basically consisted of guys harassing me and my roommate. People getting drunk and being loud all the time making it hard to study and sleep. My friends would always leave me on the weekends so I spent them locked up in my dorm room. The college was doing VERY poorly and their staff was not a very qualified staff. Though that has some advantages too like easy classes :) The staff was not at all helpful when my roommate and I were being harassed. I didn't feel safe and I felt like I was being cheated out of a real college experience sometimes because the place was just boring and people were lame. So...I started feeling depressed and anxious. I went home every other weekend to be with my family and see a psychologist.
When I found Bethel...well, actually my mom found Bethel, I thought it was a godsend and that once I got there I would start to feel better. Well, once again I've set my expectations too high. I find it kind of odd that one thing my psychologist told me was wrong with me is that I was too negative. Well, you know, it is REALLY hard to stay positive and be realistic at the same time. I'm almost done with my first semester at Bethel and I'm starting to wonder if I will ever be TRULY happy at any college I go to. I mean, don't get me wrong, Bethel is a great place, but I still feel...lost...lacking...alone.
There are certain things about Bethel that I absolutely ADORE like the fact that I can actually talk to my professors about anything, they're approachable, they challenge you, they help you, they care about you, they understand you because they're Christian too. That's another thing I love. I'm not hearing the F word every fifteen minutes throughout the day. There aren't drunk people banging on my door at 3 o'clock in the morning. I've gotten involved here. I love my dance team Shekinah Glory. The girls are amazing and we really connect, but we don't really do anything together outside of dance and I'm such a shy and anxious person and I'm  like my grandma where I'm not gonna take the initiative. So, yes, I know some things I'm feeling are my fault. Bethel is a lot safer than MacMurray and they plan a lot more activities. I love chapel and that my spiritual needs are met. However, one thing I can't get other is being away from my family. I miss my friends at MacMurray. I had the BEST roommate last year and the BEST friends. They were exactly what I needed while going through that time. Before I left home for Bethel my mom said that she wasn't worried about me because she knew that God would send people to be with me.  I don't feel like that prayer has been answered. My roommate's family was so nice to me last year and I had a church that I could walk to every Sunday and they treated me like family. I haven't had any luck finding a new church yet. Even though I wasn't at a Christian college last year I felt like I was doing more to strengthen my faith. Now it kinda feels like I'm just going through the motions.
So I'm starting to realize that I had to sacrifice some things for others. I still think Bethel is the better option for me and I am happy...occasionally. And I know some of the changes I'm in the process of making are going to take time. I wish I could feel and see the good in things while they're happening instead of realizing it after they have happened.

"There's just something really wrong with me. I want to change, but I__I can't. And I just know I'll never fit in anywhere."-Jo March, Little Women (one of my literary heroes.)