18 Lessons

It's always been a tradition of mine that every time my brother and sister-in-law find out that they're having a baby, I write a blog to that baby, telling them everything I wish for them to know. It's changed a little bit with each baby, but the main points have mostly stayed the same.
However, it is not my brother and sister-in-law this time who are having a baby. My sister and brother-in-law finally announced to everybody today that they were expecting. So without further ado...

1. This has, and continues to be my #1...YOU are oh so VERY LOVED!!! Even when you think that life's messing up and that you're alone always remember that me, your family, your friends, that God...Loves You!

2. "Inhale grace, Exhale gratitude."- Dr. Scott Johnson (Receive thankfully, and give graciously). I truly believe that we are saved by grace through faith in Christ Jesus, and not by good works, but I also believe that the least we can do for God, is try to be the best that we can be. This can be tied in to #6. :)

3. "We cannot change our past. But we CAN learn to see our past through GOD'S perspective." -Charles R. Swindoll. Remember that nobody is perfect and that God loves you despite your mistakes or your past.

4.You are a Unique Child of God and He loves you very much!   "Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of us."-Rabindranath Tagore

5. "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the HARDEST battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."- e.e. cummings. Don't ever change because of somebody else's standards. Change for yourself.

6. "Stop judging people because they sin differently than you." One of the greatest things about the human race is that we are all alike in our sin. We all sin and no sin is greater than another. No matter how a person is treating you, be kind. "Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see, the pain someone feels." Take a chance on them and get to know them. Show them Christ's love.

7. "Wherever you go, go with all your heart."-Confucius. If you have a passion for something don't ever give up on it. Do whatever it takes to bring that passion to life. And if it's meant to be, God will make it happen.

8. "Raise your words, not your voice. It's rain that grows flowers, not thunder."-rumi. Yes, there will be times in life where you get angry and all you want to do is scream, but all that situation does is give you a chance to open up your heart. It's a chance to share YOUR story, which is GOD'S story. DON'T ever be afraid to share that.

9. Don't push people away. "In the shelter of each other we will live....God has given us each other." - Jars of Clay We all like to be alone sometimes, but don't keep people away forever. It's true that if you are alone nobody else can hurt you, but you can end up hurting yourself.

10. "Jesus, help me to see that I AM someone worth dying for" You are a Unique Child of God and He Loves you very much. Your life matters. It's what has kept me here. We all have experienced doubts. Doubts about whether the people we care about really love us. Whether God really loves us. Whether things will actually get better. Doubts are the devil's way of pulling you away from God. So during those doubts draw closer to God.

11. Take pride in your accomplishments and celebrate every achievement...even the smallest ones.

12. "Know who you are. Accept who you are. Be who you are."-Dietrich Bonhoeffer You have got to do this for yourself before you can expect anybody else to do it.

13. "Being rich in money and things doesn't last. Being rich in the Lord and people last forever."-Grampy Troup

14. God never answers "No"

15. The GREATEST gift you can give a person is your time. So one day when you're all grown up and your mom is grumbling about how she never gets to spend anytime with you because you're always so busy, do her a favor (and yourself) and sit down next to her and tell about your day. Ask her how her day went. Some of the greatest moments you'll have in life are small ones like that.

16. Listen to and obey your parents. They love you and most of the time the advice they give you is pretty legit.

17. "One of the GREATEST adventures you can take is to your own imagination." Read books. Watch the history channel. Go to a museum. Be a part of a play. An opportunity to learn and exercise your imagination is never time spent wasted.

18. Be proud of where you've come from and embrace it.

There you go Baby Benesh. 18 lessons that I hope you learn (but it's okay if you don't learn them all in 18 years. :) I promise it's not a bad thing).

If my siblings keep this up I'm gonna be screwed if/ when I start having kids. But that just means they'll owe me big time. :)

Foxy Lady

Most of you know I'm a huge fan of traditions so a few years ago when my great aunt passed away I dedicated a blog to her, well, early this Easter Sunday morning my Grandma Fox (Booth) went to join her. So here goes nothing.
Some of my fondest memories from my childhood took place with my Grandma Fox. For most of my life she lived far away in Michigan while we were in Illinois. The only times we really got to see her was during the summer time, but what great summers they were! When you would get to Gramma's house the minute you stepped out of the car you were just overcome by this feeling of peace. Gramma lived on a farm so we were pretty much out in the middle of nowhere, but it was the perfect place to star gaze and catch fireflies. I loved how green everything was and how Gramma took such good care of her flowers and her garden. For the longest time Gramma would make sure that I took some of her flowers home with me (I'm not exactly sure how alive they were when we got home :) ).
I loved my Gramma's cookies (it was so sad when she got to be too old to make them). I loved that for most of our trips, when we arrived Gramma had pot roast for us. I loved going and picking strawberries and blueberries with her. I loved her apple trees and pear tree. Though they weren't very good for eating, they were good for throwing at people and holding up your tree house. :) I loved Gramma's love of family. I loved that she shared my passion of reading and always had good books on the shelf and goofy stories to tell.
I think what I loved best about Gramma was that for the longest time when I thought I could be a writer, she encouraged it. She always wanted to know what was going on with (& sometimes it may have come off as nosy :) ) but I've finally realized that it's because she cared so much and wished that she had been able to share that experience with you.
Gramma, I know there were times when we didn't always get along and that I wasn't always the nicest granddaughter, but I love you and I'm so glad I got to see you and hold your hand one last time!

Home Is Where The Heart Is

Hello All,
So I don't really know what to say or where to start. Recently, while preparing to move back home from Indiana, my mind has just been racing and my emotions seem to be on overdrive. Why, you might ask? Well, so far this year I've learned that home really is where the heart is. And right now my heart is conflicted. There's a part of me that is so excited about going home and being with my family and friends again, starting my internship, going back to zumba classes, helping my BFF plan her wedding and hopefully finding a new job. But then there's another part of me that's sad about leaving Indiana. This place has really been my home for the last 4 years while I was away at school. I've established some really good relationships, some better than at home. I could see myself living in either place, but I wonder, in which place would I be the most happy. Which place would be best to start over? This life I have right now is definitely not what I pictured 4 years ago. Back at home I know I have a place to stay and people who care about me (which I have in Indiana too). I have a routine. I'm not constantly being reminded of all the terrible things that happened these last couple of years. I have opportunities.  But when I am at home I'm almost...homesick.  When I'm in Indiana I know that if the need were ever to arise I could go back home, my family would be there. But when I'm home (which is in IL by the way), I often worry, what if I never get to go back there again? Some of you IN folks are probably like, why? There's really nothing great about us.
There are really so many things I could do right now.

-Go home, do my internship and study up for the IL state test again, and hopefully get a job interpreting.
-Go home, don't do the internship and just try to find whatever kind of job you can get.
-Stay in IN where I probably won't find an internship or get any kind of interpreting practice and experience, but could maybe try something different.
The problem right now is that I went from truly loving something and believing that I was truly good at it to failing everything that would confirm I was good at it, making me wonder, is this really what I was meant to do or do I need to find something different? If I do need to find something different what should that something different be?

Tuesday's Tunes

Here's 12/16/14 car shuffle.

1. Supermassive Black Hole-Muse

2. Today Was A Fairytale-Taylor Swift

3. Why Not-Hilary Duff

4. Black or White-Michael Jackson

5. Rolling in the Deep-ADELE

6. By Your Side-Tenth Avenue North

7. Black Widow-Iggy Azalea feat. Rita Ora

8. Do Something-Matthew West

9. Good to Be Alive-Jason Gray

10. Rolling in the Deep-Glee

Tuesday Tunes

So one of the somewhat pleasant things about my somewhat long drive to work everyday is that I get to catch up on my love of music. Anybody who's ever lived with me will tell you that I have the most random taste in music. Some songs you'll be like...Yeah, of course you have that song. Everybody has that song. Some you'll be like...You're seriously listening to that?!?! Or you'll be like...Wha? Never heard this song before or even the artist. If by chance you've never heard one of the songs on my list I encourage you to give them a listen.
The secret behind my kickass play list is that I don't stick to just one genre. If a song has good lyrics that I can understand and are meaningful to me or has a catchy beat it's on my playlist. So see for yourself and have a listen...

December 9, 2014 Work Shuffle

1. Where Do I Go From Here-Pocahontas II

2. Today is the Day-Lincoln Brewster
3. God Gave Me You-Blake Shelton
4. Battleflag-Lo Fidelity Allstars

5. Haven't Met You Yet-Michael Buble

6. Poison & Wine-the Civil Wars

7. Unwritten-Natasha Beddingfield

8. I Got Rhythm (Take the Lead Remix)-Lena Horne & Q-Tip

9. Like a Child-Jars of Clay
10. Someone Worth Dying For-MIKESCHAIR

11. Dream On-Glee Feat. Neil Patrick Harris

12. Jump-Glee

13. Breathe-Michelle Branch

14. Bellas Finals-Pitch Perfect

15. No Good-Kate Voegele

16. Hallelujah-Kate Voegele

17. Born This Way-Glee

18. I Will Learn to Love Again-Kaci Battaglia

Maybe It Doesn't Have to End

Well, hello all,
Surprised to hear from me? I'm sure you are. :) So tonight while watching Blue Bloods on T.V. (more like just using it for background noise) and checking my facebook one last time before bed I started to think about blogging and actually asked myself, why did I stop? To be blunt, I stopped because life was going awesomely (yes, I did say awesomely) and I didn't feel the need to blog anymore. Of course receiving crappy news like I did today will make you feel kinda crabby.
***Oh snap somebody just got shot! Sorry...I got distracted by the T.V. My mom doesn't like that I spend a lot of time watching crime T.V. but hey, I like drama and one of my concentrations in school was Criminal Justice. Although, real life is nothing like T.V...
Annnyyway. Sorry I got off topic.
So yeah while I'm feeling crappy and crabby it really made me want to blog again so I logged on to my account...
***Excuse me someone was stabbed not shot. Sure looked like a shot one to me...that's why I just watch the investigating...sorry, again.
So I logged on to my account and while I'm scrolling through my old posts my memories come back of what was going on while I wrote that blog. Truth is that there are many happy...and not so happy posts. I really shouldn't have stopped. I forgot how therapeutic blogging can be. And I feel like there's so much that I need to catch you guys up on. :)
But right now it's getting late and I should really get to bed. Busy day tomorrow, being a grown up and all. :)

Oh, and since I'm finished with college, I'm considering renaming my blog. Any suggestions?

Be on  the look out for future posts. :)

The end of an era

Well, blog world, it's the end of an era. Though I have this last semester to go before I'm finished with college I have a feeling it's going to go by pretty quickly. Now, I've been in a little bit of a funk when it comes to my blogging life. I just can't seem to think of anything interesting to post on here anymore. Since my blog is called "Confessions of a College Student" I've decided that perhaps it is time to say good-bye to my blog. I know you all will be so terribly heart-broken ;) by this decision, but I haven't been posting much anyway. I'll miss you all!

School's Out Forever....Almost!

Oh my goodness, I was looking through my posts when I noticed I haven't blogged anything since July. For those who actually read & enjoy my blog I apologize. :) I've been in classes for a month now & you guys have no idea what's been going on. No wonder my mom's all up in my business. :)
Unfortunately, I do have to be careful with what I say. Gotta practice confidentiality. :) All you need to know is that the work is hard, the friendships are a godsend, & your bed is your best friend. :)
I can't believe I'm finally in my last year of college! I'm super excited but extremely terrified at the same time. :) Excited to be done with homework :) but terrified to pay off my student loans :) and be a real adult. :) It's weird to think about. I still don't view myself as being one...but no matter what happens I know I can do everything through Him who empowers me. :)
I can't believe how fast time has flown by. Seems like only yesterday I was calling my RD to complain about the drunk people banging on my door at 2 in the morning. :) But I've learned a lot in these last 5 years & not just academically but mentally & emotionally, about God & about myself. Really I'd say the only regret I have is not having more time. I should have taken more of the opportunities that came my way but you live & learn. :)

So speaking of finishing college, that means, I don't think it would quite match up if my blog remained "Confessions of a College Student". Any name suggestions out there? :)

"All Endings Are Also Beginnings, We Just Don't Know It At The Time."-Mitch Albom (The Five People You Meet In Heaven)

Well, today we said our final good-byes to Aunt Lidka. It's gonna be hard getting used to her not being here anymore. But as Grandma said we know she's painting up in Heaven with Uncle John and their daughter right beside her.

Most of you know how much I dearly love my nieces, which means you probably also know that Avery can get really crabby and has stranger anxiety (even if you're not a stranger :P) and Grace is just your typical mischievous 2 year old. However, today during the funeral Avery didn't make a sound. Like I said, if you know Avery, you know that almost never happens. Mom and I considered that to be our little miracle from Aunt Lidka because not only did she want people to be respectful and not disturb others but she knew we needed a break too. :)
And Grace...oh my. Everybody who's met Grace knows that she is very smart for a 2 year old and just plain adorable. I don't know what Mom and Aunt Tina were telling Grace about what was happening before, but as we were leaving to go to the cemetery after the service, I was holding Grace and she kept asking me where Aunt Lidka was going (or as she would say, "Aunt Yidka" :P ) Grace has only met Aunt Lidka a few times and poor Avery I don't know if she was even able to meet Aunt Lidka. Now I have no idea how to explain something like this to a 2 year old. I asked Mom about it when her dad died and what she told Tim. Tim just knew that Mom was sad and that she cried a lot. So...I ended up just telling Grace that Aunt Lidka was going to Heaven. Now, like every 2 year old she kept asking me this over and over again. Finally when we were back at the funeral home and she asked me I again told her that Aunt Lidka was going to Heaven. After I said that Grace looked at me and said that Aunt Lidka was going to Heaven to be with Jesus...she amazes me everyday and just like I'm thankful Aunt Lidka was in my life I am so glad that Grace and Avery are in my life too.

Speaking of which, for those of you who don't know (which most of you who will probably read this already do) I am going to be an aunt X 3. Now I'll admit that by the third one...it's not as exciting, especially for the one that's gonna have to babysit (I know that's mean and brutally honest, but at least I'm being honest. :) ), but when I came upon this quote that I used to open my blog with I started to think about the nature of life. Yes, people are always dying, but people are always being born too. Yes, Aunt Lidka is no longer with us, but soon we'll be welcoming this new little baby into the world. There are also many other good things about funerals and tragedies but I'm not going to go into that because this blog is already gonna be longer than I expected. Anywho, so if you can remember the blogs I wrote for Grace and Avery than you remember that I gave them a list of life lessons I want them to learn by the time they grow up and they're my age. So staying with tradition here are some life lessons for the new little one:

1. Always my #1 lesson,You are oh so VERY LOVED and don't ever forget that for even a moment.
2. You are a Unique Child of God and He loves you very much!   "Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of us."-Rabindranath Tagore
3. "Inhale grace. Exhale gratitude."-Dr. Scott Johnson (Receive thankfully and give graciously).
4. "We cannot change our past, but we can learn to see our past from God's perspective."-Charles R. Swindoll. always forgive...yourself and others.
5. "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."- e.e. cummings. Don't ever change because of somebody else's standards. Change for yourself. You will encounter temptations and life is going to be hard, I can promise you that, but it's worth it. :)
6. "Stop judging people because they sin differently than you." One of the greatest things about the human race is that we are all alike in our sin. We all sin and no sin is greater than another. No matter how a person is treating you, be kind. "Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see, the pain someone feels."
7.  "Wherever you go, go with all your heart."-Confucius. Don't be afraid to leave home if that means following your heart. Home will always be there for you when you need it.
8. "Raise your words, not your voice. It's rain that grows flowers, not thunder."-rumi. Yes, your parents will upset you. Yes, your sisters will hurt you but all that does is give you a chance to open up your heart. It's a chance to share your story, which is God's story. Don't ever be afraid to share that.
9. Don't push people away. "In the shelter of each other we will live....God has given us each other." We all like to be alone sometimes, but don't keep people away forever. It's true that if you are alone nobody else can hurt you, but you will end up hurting yourself.
10. "Jesus, help me to see that I am someone worth dying for" You are a Unique Child of God and He Loves you very much. Your life matters. It's what has kept me here. We all have experienced doubts. Doubts about whether the people we care about really love us. Whether God really loves us. Whether things will actually get better. Doubts are the devil's way of pulling you away from God. So during those doubts draw closer to God.
11. Take pride in your accomplishments and celebrate every achievement. And it doesn't matter if no one else is there to help you celebrate...celebrate anyway!
12. "Know who you are. Accept who you are. Be who you are."-Dietrich Bonhoeffer You have got to do this yourself before you can expect anybody else to do it. Aunt Izzy knows a lot about this one. Unfortunately, most of the time she's all talk. :)
13. "Being rich in money and things doesn't last. Being rich in the Lord and people last forever."-Grampy Troup
14. God never answers "No"
15. The greatest gift you can give a person is your time.
16. Listen to and obey your parents. They love you and most of the time the advice they give you is pretty legit.
17. One of the greatest adventures you can take is to your own imagination.
18. Be proud of where you've come from and embrace it.

You are gonna be one lucky kid! You're gonna make all the other babies jealous because of all the cool people you are gonna have in your life. :)

Today I've learned that no matter how old a person is, no matter how successful they are, no matter how much you prepare, it's still hard to say good-bye. Before I could say with such gratefulness, that I've never been through the heartache of losing someone special. Yes, I have experienced the hurt of watching loved ones hurt. Yes, I've experienced the numbness & confusion of such a loss where it's hard to figure out how it is you should feel. Yes, I've experienced the awful awkwardness of watching another grieve and not really knowing how you feel. However, I've never been the one that hurts. It hurts to think about them not sharing this life with you anymore. It hurts to see others hurt. And it hurts knowing that you're being selfish for wanting them to stay here. It hurts that their life was not able to be saved.
Aunt Lidka was definitely a special lady. I loved her accent & that when I was around her I had a piece of my heritage with me. I loved her sweetness. She was always so grateful for what other people would do for her (perhaps the most grateful person I have ever met). I loved her passion for art & how her paintings were like her children. I loved how trusting she was of others, talking to all the nurses & welcoming them into her life until the very end. I loved her cookies that she made every year to bring for Christmas (I'm determined to learn to make those cookies & hopefully have them taste as good as hers). :) I loved her hugs & how gentle she was. I loved that she only had one love in her life & I am so glad that she will finally get to see him again. I loved how nice her skin was & how thick her hair was for someone who was 89. I loved the fact that she was a great-great aunt. I loved how she & Grandma were not sister-in-laws but sisters. I loved that she had a nickname for Dad. I loved that she would always ask Mom how Grandma Fox was doing and was always so concerned about her. I loved that she worried about me finding a job after college and that she worried about me being single. I loved that she only wanted people to be happy. I loved that she thought my sister-in-law's brother was so good looking and hinted to me more than once that I should date him. :) I loved that she was ready to go but that she was also a fighter. I love that she is now in Heaven with her Father & her husband Uncle John & their baby. I love that the last good memory I'll have with her is celebrating her 89th birthday with the family.
I love you Aunt Lidka & you'll be missed very much!

 

WWJD

Something that has stuck with me since coming to the youth gathering is that we are so lucky to have a Savior that died and rose for our forgiveness and that we may have eternal life with Him. However, even though we are forgiven that doesn't mean we go on sinning and taking advantage of God's forgiveness. We owe Him to at least try to be faithful. We are always going to sin but we do have free will, self-control, and common sense. So...we know not to steal, murder, or have sex before marriage. When we experience that temptation use that self-control and common sense. I know for some of you this is a challenge but I'm a 22 year old virgin and I plan to be one til the day I'm married. Do I still face temptation and experience lustful thoughts? Heck yes! But I don't go and throw myself at a guy and say, "Take me now!" To me...sex before marriage is infidelity. I'm cheating on my future husband! Now premarital sex has become the social norm (sadly), but cheating is still looked down upon. So...are you gonna cheat on your future spouse? Or are you gonna base your entire decision on your hormones?

Marriage and sex is a beautiful thing created by God, but only when done appropriately. God was the bridegroom of the church. He took care of His bride. He was understanding, caring, and the perfect example of love.

A Day In The Life

Lately I've been having a hard time figuring out what to write about (sometimes it's just that I'm too much of a perfectionist when it comes to my writing). I've always wanted to write about my college experience and my future career, but unfortunately, just like a doctor or a psychotherapist my Code of Ethics requires that I keep confidentiality and I want to obey that (even though I'm not an interpreter yet). This rule makes it so hard to open up to people sometimes because people often think that sign language is simple and only requires "hands signals" and you're just "talking with your hands". I know that it's never the person's fault for believing this because they don't know any better. Unfortunately, society has not been exposed to the Deaf culture like they should. This makes it difficult to actually explain my career choice too because for me it's simple while for other people they just don't get it.

• Some questions that I've been asked.

1. What's A.S.L.? (American Sign Language) You mean sign language isn't universal? -Seriously, think about it. Is English a universal language? And yes, there are even different sign languages used in the U.S. just like how people speak differently in English people sign differently too.
2. So what can you do with that degree? Is there really a need for that?-Umm, I can pretty much do whatever I want. Wherever there's a deaf person there should be an interpreter.
3. That was so amazing! My *such and such* knows sign language and they use it with their special needs class. Is that what you're gonna do?-Yeah, there's a difference between knowing a few baby signs and actually being fluent in it and being certified to interpret.
4. *hearing person looks at you*, can you ask so and so this?-Just talk to them like you're having a normal conversation. You are going to want to look THEM in the eye.
5. And I'm standing there interpreting....hearing client "Don't sign that."-Umm, sorry you said it I'm gonna sign it. Those be the rules! And after you sign whatever you don't what me to sign I will also sign DON'T SIGN THAT.
6. And the thing that bothers us the most...*you're up signing for a speaker* and the speaker thinks it's funny to say something like "Oh hey, you're doing such a good job. So how do you sign this or this" (usually a word like poop or a cuss word).-Yeeeaahh, this is just rude to the interpreter and don't use us to hold your props or anything either.
7. *after a person finds out you're an interpreter* I don't know if I would like to be deaf. I would miss music too much or what about this or this?-That's nice. Usually this is accompanied by pity towards the deaf person and the idea that they just can't do anything (like drive-they can drive!)
8. Or you have the hearing client who tries to speak louder to the deaf person.-Ummm, they can't hear! Duh!
9. I just love watching you and your hand signals *person waves their hands in your face*-Yeeaahhh, it's called sign language and I'm a sign language interpreter and don't wave your hands at me because that's just rude and annoying.
10. "Can't they just read my lips?" Or "Oh they're deaf, so they have to know sign."-Reading lips is a lot harder than it looks. Can you read lips? Or why don't you just try to read their hands. And just because a person is deaf does not mean they know sign language. They may have grown up orally and can read lips and talk quite well.

And there are many more where that came from. People also tend to think that learning sign language is easy. ABSOLUTELY NOT! Have you ever learned a second language? Have you ever looked at the Linguistics of English let alone the Linguistics of ASL (Although most people don't even know what linguistics is either (the study of language)?

Well, if I haven't made you die from boredom yet here are a few facts about Deaf culture that I think are important and why I sign,

1. "Impaired" means "broken", the deaf are not broken. They prefer to be called "deaf" just "deaf". Not "hearing-impaired" or "deaf and dumb" or "deaf and mute".Deafness is not a disability and deaf people are actually very independent. After all, they've been looked down on all their lives.
2.  Not all deaf people want to hear and when in an environment where both parties use the same language deaf people are just as smart or even smarter than hearing people (yes, even in English).
3. Eye contact and touch are very important to them. So don't freak out if they touch you.
4. Honestly, I did go into interpreting because I wanted to "help" people (the deaf don't like that word). However, I wanted to help people understand each other not help them overcome this big "obstacle" or "disability" I wanted people to be heard and have equal access to communication.
5. Contrary to popular belief an interpreter works for the deaf client and the hearing client.
6. I also went into interpreting because of all the different jobs I could have. I like the idea that I really am making a difference. I'm the one who helps save a person's life after a car crash. I bring justice to the abused victim. I console the daughter who's watching her mother die. I get to be a part of critical moments in a person's life. To me, that's important. To be a part of somebody's life, a part of their life worth remembering.

1 Corinthians 14:10-12
"Undoubtedly there are all sorts of languages in the world., yet none of them is without meaning. If then I do not grasp the meaning of what someone is saying, I am a foreigner to the speaker, and he is a foreigner to me. So it is with you. Since you are eater to have spiritual gifts, try to excel in gifts that build up the church."

*Insert creative title here* :)

Seeing as how it's been a while since I've blogged (and I'm sure you are all so devastated by it :) ) I thought now might be a good time to look back and reflect on the school year. I can't believe this year is almost over! Next year I'll be a senior and will be on practicum (fingers crossed ;) ). What am I gonna do after I graduate? I can't call my blog Confessions of a College Student. :)
This year has been pretty good compared to others. You're finally to that point where you really click with people (if you're socially slow like me :) ) and feel more like yourself. I finally figured out what all to do with the waste of credits I have and finally feel like I'm where I should be. Do I still worry everyday that I'm gonna flunk out of the interpreting program and have to try to find something else to do? Yes, but that's only because you have no idea how intense the program is. Bethel is like the Yale of interpreting. :) But I finally feel confident in my decision of being an interpreter.
So everything has worked out for me in that department, but emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I don't feel satisfied. I'm still not comfortable in my own skin and I know there are characteristics that I need to work on, and I want to work on them, but you have that bad, sinful part of you that says, "you can do that later." Before you know your head is spinning and you have no idea what you're going to do. I was really hoping  that would get better this year. Instead of people looking at me and either pitying me or thinking I'm mean (which really just means they're annoyed by you :) ) I want to be one of those people that just makes someone's day and be someone they'll remember for their kindness/good personality ;).
I know some of you (actually probably most of you) are thinking, "well, umm...you can do that. Just do it. You wanna change then go for it. Nobody else can do it for you. That's what tomorrows are for." All of these statements are true and are good advice, but for some people (and I'm not trying to make excuses :) ) it's more complicated then that. They can't just instantly drop who they are/have been and be who they want to be. It takes time, patience, faith, and searching. One of the hardest lessons you'll ever have to learn in life is how to accept who you are but at the same time improve who you are, and I have quickly learned that it's a lot easier said then done. I've also learned that it's important to remember that bad things happen and people are bad/stupid/whatever because there is sin in the world and I can't change that. On this earth there's no such thing as perfect.
Even though I've taken notice of these issues and maybe (hopefully :) ) sound like I know what I'm talking about, sometimes all I want to do is get my degree, get a job, move away from family and friends and start my life over again. When you're in college and are still financially dependent on your parents it's hard to lead your own life while still satisfying theirs. Sometimes I feel like I'm never really gonna know who I am until I graduate and move out.
So that's what I wish I could have done over again. But it's all in God's time.

I don't want this blog to seem too serious, the smiley faces are really me smiling/laughing because I'm trying to virtually lighten the mood. :)

Just A Thought

"Sometimes it's better to be alone. Nobody can hurt you."-Meg (Hercules)

An interesting theory/philosophy and I'd say one that I agree with, but, honestly, I avoid people because I don't want to hurt them. If you avoid people you don't have to worry about accidentally offending somebody or yelling at them because of something stupid they did and then in the end feeling hurt and stupid yourself. So when you are alone, really, nobody can hurt you.
 When nobody knows who you are it's impossible to hurt them. Though, sometimes you ultimately end up hurting yourself. You put those hateful thoughts into your own head and you bring yourself down. All those mistakes you've made and the person you are, nobody knows what that's like. So why bother trying to explain it to them? Besides, after you've revealed those secrets to them they might end up leaving you anyway. Unfortunately, in our society today people are quicker to be angry than to forgive (I'm definitely guilty of this too) when it should really be the other way around. But, being slow to anger and quick to forgive is something we must do for ourselves, not just for others....
It's hard to know sometimes who you can trust and who to put your faith in. It's hard to know if you should be honest with a person when they ask, "How are you doing?" Do they really care or are they just trying to be polite? That's why God created the "fine" emotion. When you say, "I'm fine," usually what it really means is, "My life sucks right now! But I know there are other people who have it worse than me so I don't want to complain or have you pity me. Things could always be worse."

What does this mean?

hy·poc·ri·sy  (h-pkr-s)

n. pl. hy·poc·ri·sies

1. The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness.

2. An act or instance of such falseness.

two-faced (tfst)

adj.

1. Having two faces or surfaces.

2. Hypocritical or double-dealing; deceitful

Oy Vey, I've heard these 2 words so many times this week and lemme tell ya, I'm sick of it. Do you people even know what those words mean? Apparently not.

Let's look at hypocrisy and the first definition for a moment, "The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess." Well, I'm no expert but if you ask me it kinda sounds like all human beings, all Christians are guilty of this. Am I right or am I right?

That is what we call sin ladies and gents. Yup, no matter how pure I wanna be and even if I save myself for marriage I've still committed adultery over a dozen times (hello, have you seen Johnny Depp hotchacha!). And even if I have never intentionally set out to kill somebody, I've already committed murder too. Yeah, all those people that I find annoying, sorry I just murdered you.

I don't condone this behavior but yet I still commit it. I even know it's wrong when I do it. Does that make me a hypocrite? According to this definition it does.

Now let's look at two-faced. It pretty much means the same thing as hypocrisy but if you look at the first definition, that meaning could easily go many ways. When  I read it I see someone who acts one way with someone and then goes and acts completely different with another person. Again, all Christians are guilty of this. And not just because of sin but....because the brain and emotions and people are just complicated. Each person you meet is gonna bring something out in you that another does not. And each person has their own story. Their own struggles. Their own hurts. This makes it impossible for us to stay as we are 24/7 for 365 days.

Hypocrisy was something that I struggled with a lot when I was younger. Meaning that I would judge people unfairly and call them hypocrites. I've recently learned that I don't have any right to judge somebody and to give them that label because I'm guilty of it too, and it's not my job to judge.

So, please, next time somebody pisses you off and you really wanna accuse someone of being a hypocrite or two-faced, take a long hard look at yourself and remember...you're one too and calling them that isn't going to change anything.

Now Not Later

While I was trying to beautify my blog (BTW, let me know what you think of the new look) and I was going through old posts I decided that maybe it was time (AT LAST) to look back on 2012 and see what 2013 will bring.

My 2012 in a nutshell.

If you're friends with me on pinterest you are probably aware that I have a board called "My Life Complete." Everything that had been on my bucket list that had come true I moved over to that board. Here are a few I was able to move...

1.    Technically I finished up all of my ASL classes back in 2011-2012, but this year I also completed my first semester of interpreting classes.....and passed! When you're in the interpreting program here at Bethel everyday is a challenge (think America's Next Top Model, except the goal is to get more than one winner :P ). Bethel is like the Harvard of interpreting.
2.  This was the excursion I chose to do during our family cruise this summer. I think it's something everybody should try in their lifetime. Very interesting creatures.
3.  Yes, Yes, I know that I've been living in a dorm room since 2009/2010. But I'm still here.

4.  Yes, that's what I did for my 21st birthday. It was awesome and I still have no regrets. :)




5.  AGAIN! Whoot! Avery Olivia...proud aunt and godmother right here!
6. Yeah, part of the excursion was getting to ride them too...ski style.
7. First one ever and got to go with the whole family! Grandma's are the best....especially mine. :)
8. I'm sure there are countless others that I could name too. Like I sort of mentioned before...with Avery I'm her godmother, so that was a first. However, Avery, I'm not crafty enough to make you a car out of a pumpkin. :) But I could maybe make you a dress. :)
9. I FINALLY got to bring the mini van to school with me...which was nice and not so much. Yes, I know, cars take a lot of money. This also included driving myself home...really not that bad.
10. I interpreted in chapel for the first time....scariest thing ever....our first goal is always not to pass out, puke, or run off the stage...I made it....but it was hard.
11. I also drank legally for the first time. A drink every now and then is nice. :)

Hmmm...I can't really think of anything more...got any?

Now for 2013 here are my expectations: So many to choose from!!!

1. My friends I'm sure you know who I'm talking about here....and if you don't, too bad, I'm not telling you anyway. :P
2.  I know this is all in God's time. If I can't have this this year at least give me some patience then.
3.  Pretty self-explanatory.
4.  This one is too.
5.  I don't think I've had hair this long since....ever.
6. Only in my dreams. :)
7. And do it in a healthy way.
8. If I can teach myself how to French braid, I can teach myself how to waterfall braid.
9. This goes with #5.
10. Don't judge me!
11. If anybody else wants to do this they should let me know. :)
12. And this year the biggest one will be passing my classes and making it through all of chapel and not just the worship part. :)

Well, That's pretty much it. I could go on...but...I gotta have some secrets. :P The challenge is to live in the now and concentrate on what I'm doing now and not later. So don't ask me what I want to do after graduation. :)

In the Midst of Tragedy....

It's hard to understand the reasoning behind God's actions, especially in the midst of tragedy. When tragedy strikes there are always questions. "Why did this happen?" "Why this person?" "What caused this?" "What can I do?" "Where was God in all this?" "How will I cope?"

All these questions are natural. Sadly, however, so is tragedy. Sadness is a normal part of life.

"The word 'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were  not balanced by sadness."-Carl Gustav Jung

However, I'm a strong believer in that God has a lesson or perhaps a reminder, in mind for anything that happens. In celebration? Yes. And yes, even in tragedy. I think we are all pretty aware though that sometimes it's hard to know what those lessons are, especially when they come from tragedy. Sometimes that is out of our own stubbornness/ignorance and sometimes it can be unclear.

The tragedies I have witnessed I have been reminded of how awful and evil the world is, but how through all of it God is there never leaving or forsaking us. I have learned how important forgiveness is. I have learned how hard forgiveness can be, and I admire those who forgive people who least deserve it. I'm reminded of how important people are and why God didn't just stop after Adam and I've learned that anybody can be a hero. I've been reminded to remember those heroes and not to take them for granted. I've learned to love and be thankful especially for parents, siblings, friends, classmates, co-workers,aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandparents, teachers, pastors, police, firefighters, paramedics, doctors, nurses, children, and students. They have inspired me to be a hero because anybody can be one. I've learned to laugh and hug more, but also that it's okay to cry and get angry too.

I've learned that a tragedy is really a wonderful opportunity to do God's work. It's an opportunity for someone to earn their badge (or wings or gold star...whatever you want to call it, as long as you get the metaphor) and to be honored for their bravery. It's an opportunity to give thanks and remember. It's a time to come together to rejoice and celebrate a person's final homecoming and to see their joy and excitement as they enter.

I'm also reminded that these lessons and reminders should go beyond tragedy. We shouldn't have to wait for tragedy to be a hero or to hug our children. Live everyday as if it were a tragedy because...

"A tragedy need not have blood and death; it's enough that it all will be filled with that majestic sadness that is the pleasure of tragedy."-Jean Racine

The minute life stops being treated as a tragedy is the minute a new one begins. So continue your forgiving, remembering, celebrating, and thanking.

 

Oh Brudder!

So this weekend I was going through some of my older posts and I realized that I have written about why I love each member of my family....except my brother. Since that didn't seem very fair or nice of me here are some reasons why I love my brother.

1. I appreciate that when I would have anxiety attacks and when I was being a hypochondriac he was always very nice and understanding and would check my heart rate and bp for me.
2. He is the epitome of hard work. Career and academics.
3. Yes, you were mean when you picked on me and broke my leg, but I still appreciate that you were meaner to Christina than you were to me. :)
4. Though I've never experienced this you always say you're willing to beat up bad boyfriends.
5. You picked me up from the train station and helped me unpack for May term.
6. Even though you had to work on my high school graduation you did try your hardest to be there by making your partner come to graduation with you.
7. You actually missed a lot of important moments in my life like my confirmation but you always showed your love in a card and gave me however much money you could afford to give me.
8. You help make beautiful children. :)
9. You let me be a part of your wedding (aka the most important moment of your life). :)
10. You are a wonderful provider and role model for your family.
11. You were willing to drive me to dance class and go with me to the Fox Theatre to see SYTYCD when no one else could and you didn't even live at Mom and Dad's anymore.
12. You take responsibility for your mistakes. Very admirable. :)
13. You always wanted a career that was exciting and helped people and you never gave up on that. You would take anything you could get.
14. You always tried to help me work things out for myself and not depending on you to do it.
15. Growing up and looking up to you I learned what I should do and what I should NOT do.
16. Besides the heart rate and bp you would try and fix other minor problems I had.
17. You're good to Mom and Dad. You'll take very good care of them when they're old. :)
18. When teachers knew that you were my older brother it could get me bonus point. :P
19. You work well with what you have.
20. Despite me being annoying to you, you love me anyway.

I don't have any pictures of Tim and I together so I'll use him and Grace because the picture's adorable anyway.

Avery Olivia

So this blog is kinda...way way late, but better late than never. Before Grace was born I blogged about the things I wanted to make sure she knew by the time she grew up. Seeing as how it's only fair and I want Avery to know these as well, I've made her a list too. Some will be the same as Grace's, others I've learned in the past 2 years that I feel are more important and should be added.

1. You are oh so VERY LOVED and don't ever forget that for even a moment.
2. "Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of us."-Rabindranath Tagore
3. "Inhale grace. Exhale gratitude."-Dr. Scott Johnson
4. "We cannot change our past, but we can learn to see our past from God's perspective."-Charles R. Swindoll. always forgive...yourself and others.
5. "Wherever you go, go with all your heart."-Confucius. Don't be afraid to leave home if that means following your heart.
6. "It is never too late to be what you might have been."-George Elliot. Don't give up on life. Yes, it's going to suck sometimes, but it takes more strength and courage to live than it does to die.
7. "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."- e.e. cummings. Don't ever change because of somebody else's standards. Change for yourself.
8. "Raise your words, not your voice. It's rain that grows flowers, not thunder."-rumi. There will be times where you're going to be angry as hell and you'll want to run your mouth off, but don't do it...take some time to think about it first.
9. Be patient. Be kind. "Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see, the pain someone feels." "Stop judging people because they sin differently than you."
10. Don't push people away. "In the shelter of each other we will live....God has given us each other."
11. "Jesus, help me to see that I am someone worth dying for" You are a Unique Child of God and He Loves you very much. Your life matters. It's what has kept me here.
12. Listen to and obey your parents. They love you and most of the time the advice they give you is pretty legit.
13. Take pride in your accomplishments and celebrate every achievement.
14. "Know who you are. Accept who you are. Be who you are."-Dietrich Bonhoeffer
15. Yes, it's true there will be times when your sister will not want to play with you and she'll be  angry and annoyed with you. Don't take it personally.
16. "Being rich in money and things doesn't last. Being rich in the Lord and people last forever."-Grampy Troup
17. God never answers "No"
18. The greatest gift you can give a person is your time.

I can't wait to see you learn and grow up into a beautiful, smart, faithful, loving young woman. You're going to do great things!

My niece/goddaughter Avery Olivia born Sept. 7, 2012

F.Y.I.

Alright...family...friends...complete strangers...let's get a few things straightened out....
Do you know what I heard all summer?
"You need to get a job."
"Apply for this. Apply for that. Be aggressive."
"Have you found a job yet?" "Did you try this place?"
and complain, complain, complain.

And do you want to know what I've been hearing since I got back (well, before I got back even) to school?
"You need to get a job."
"Here are a couple of places for you to try."
*wink, wink *point, point (MOM)
"Wow, there are a lot of restaurant opportunities here. Try this place"

You know, during my last therapy session for the summer my therapist asked me what my goal was for this year. I said finding a job because people were already giving me crap about it and I was tired of being poor. Of course, he saw right through that and asked if that was really my goal and not someone else's. And you know what? Getting a job is NOT my goal for this school year because honestly folks, believe it or not I don't find money and getting a job the most important thing in the world right now, especially since I'm still in school and classes are just gonna get harder and more time consuming. You would think people would be more considerate towards that kinda thing...but they're not. Sure, it'd be nice to have a job so I can afford basic necessities like prescription refills, gas money, and the chiropractor now and then because until you have experienced what I have you have no right to tell me how to live my life and you have no idea what my needs entitle.
And I know that those of you who have been trying to help me (nagging) are doing just that because you care about me, but until this past summer I have always been able to find a job on my own and you giving me jobs left and right and "helping" me just makes me not want to get a job just to spite you. Awful I know but that's what I do.
And you know what I find rather funny? Those couple of years where I actually had good jobs my parents still paid for a lot of my stuff and now...with no job, they're telling me to pay for everything and to get a job. Now I know I'm an "adult" now and I'm supposed to take care of myself blah blah blah, but a couple years ago I was more financially stable and probably could care of myself to a degree and could afford to pay for stuff and I'm not now. Seems a little backwards to me.
But what do I know. I haven't lived as long as some of you have.

So, to sum things up...I don't know what my goal is for this year but it is NOT getting a job. Do not try and "help" me find a job because it just irritates me. If I want help like "hey friend, you should talk me up to your manager at this place" then I will ask for it. I have needs and you have no idea what they are. I want money but if I can't find a job again this year I'm gonna try not to worry about it and if you don't nag on me and just support me I'll be a lot less likely to worry and that will make my life easier. There are more important things to worry about like getting my homework done and...sleeping. 

I also like to complain a lot. :) So please don't take all this too personally.