Home Is Where The Heart Is

Hello All,
So I don't really know what to say or where to start. Recently, while preparing to move back home from Indiana, my mind has just been racing and my emotions seem to be on overdrive. Why, you might ask? Well, so far this year I've learned that home really is where the heart is. And right now my heart is conflicted. There's a part of me that is so excited about going home and being with my family and friends again, starting my internship, going back to zumba classes, helping my BFF plan her wedding and hopefully finding a new job. But then there's another part of me that's sad about leaving Indiana. This place has really been my home for the last 4 years while I was away at school. I've established some really good relationships, some better than at home. I could see myself living in either place, but I wonder, in which place would I be the most happy. Which place would be best to start over? This life I have right now is definitely not what I pictured 4 years ago. Back at home I know I have a place to stay and people who care about me (which I have in Indiana too). I have a routine. I'm not constantly being reminded of all the terrible things that happened these last couple of years. I have opportunities.  But when I am at home I'm almost...homesick.  When I'm in Indiana I know that if the need were ever to arise I could go back home, my family would be there. But when I'm home (which is in IL by the way), I often worry, what if I never get to go back there again? Some of you IN folks are probably like, why? There's really nothing great about us.
There are really so many things I could do right now.

-Go home, do my internship and study up for the IL state test again, and hopefully get a job interpreting.
-Go home, don't do the internship and just try to find whatever kind of job you can get.
-Stay in IN where I probably won't find an internship or get any kind of interpreting practice and experience, but could maybe try something different.
The problem right now is that I went from truly loving something and believing that I was truly good at it to failing everything that would confirm I was good at it, making me wonder, is this really what I was meant to do or do I need to find something different? If I do need to find something different what should that something different be?

School's Out Forever....Almost!

Oh my goodness, I was looking through my posts when I noticed I haven't blogged anything since July. For those who actually read & enjoy my blog I apologize. :) I've been in classes for a month now & you guys have no idea what's been going on. No wonder my mom's all up in my business. :)
Unfortunately, I do have to be careful with what I say. Gotta practice confidentiality. :) All you need to know is that the work is hard, the friendships are a godsend, & your bed is your best friend. :)
I can't believe I'm finally in my last year of college! I'm super excited but extremely terrified at the same time. :) Excited to be done with homework :) but terrified to pay off my student loans :) and be a real adult. :) It's weird to think about. I still don't view myself as being one...but no matter what happens I know I can do everything through Him who empowers me. :)
I can't believe how fast time has flown by. Seems like only yesterday I was calling my RD to complain about the drunk people banging on my door at 2 in the morning. :) But I've learned a lot in these last 5 years & not just academically but mentally & emotionally, about God & about myself. Really I'd say the only regret I have is not having more time. I should have taken more of the opportunities that came my way but you live & learn. :)

So speaking of finishing college, that means, I don't think it would quite match up if my blog remained "Confessions of a College Student". Any name suggestions out there? :)

What does this mean?

hy·poc·ri·sy  (h-pkr-s)

n. pl. hy·poc·ri·sies

1. The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness.

2. An act or instance of such falseness.

two-faced (tfst)

adj.

1. Having two faces or surfaces.

2. Hypocritical or double-dealing; deceitful

Oy Vey, I've heard these 2 words so many times this week and lemme tell ya, I'm sick of it. Do you people even know what those words mean? Apparently not.

Let's look at hypocrisy and the first definition for a moment, "The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess." Well, I'm no expert but if you ask me it kinda sounds like all human beings, all Christians are guilty of this. Am I right or am I right?

That is what we call sin ladies and gents. Yup, no matter how pure I wanna be and even if I save myself for marriage I've still committed adultery over a dozen times (hello, have you seen Johnny Depp hotchacha!). And even if I have never intentionally set out to kill somebody, I've already committed murder too. Yeah, all those people that I find annoying, sorry I just murdered you.

I don't condone this behavior but yet I still commit it. I even know it's wrong when I do it. Does that make me a hypocrite? According to this definition it does.

Now let's look at two-faced. It pretty much means the same thing as hypocrisy but if you look at the first definition, that meaning could easily go many ways. When  I read it I see someone who acts one way with someone and then goes and acts completely different with another person. Again, all Christians are guilty of this. And not just because of sin but....because the brain and emotions and people are just complicated. Each person you meet is gonna bring something out in you that another does not. And each person has their own story. Their own struggles. Their own hurts. This makes it impossible for us to stay as we are 24/7 for 365 days.

Hypocrisy was something that I struggled with a lot when I was younger. Meaning that I would judge people unfairly and call them hypocrites. I've recently learned that I don't have any right to judge somebody and to give them that label because I'm guilty of it too, and it's not my job to judge.

So, please, next time somebody pisses you off and you really wanna accuse someone of being a hypocrite or two-faced, take a long hard look at yourself and remember...you're one too and calling them that isn't going to change anything.

In the Midst of Tragedy....

It's hard to understand the reasoning behind God's actions, especially in the midst of tragedy. When tragedy strikes there are always questions. "Why did this happen?" "Why this person?" "What caused this?" "What can I do?" "Where was God in all this?" "How will I cope?"

All these questions are natural. Sadly, however, so is tragedy. Sadness is a normal part of life.

"The word 'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were  not balanced by sadness."-Carl Gustav Jung

However, I'm a strong believer in that God has a lesson or perhaps a reminder, in mind for anything that happens. In celebration? Yes. And yes, even in tragedy. I think we are all pretty aware though that sometimes it's hard to know what those lessons are, especially when they come from tragedy. Sometimes that is out of our own stubbornness/ignorance and sometimes it can be unclear.

The tragedies I have witnessed I have been reminded of how awful and evil the world is, but how through all of it God is there never leaving or forsaking us. I have learned how important forgiveness is. I have learned how hard forgiveness can be, and I admire those who forgive people who least deserve it. I'm reminded of how important people are and why God didn't just stop after Adam and I've learned that anybody can be a hero. I've been reminded to remember those heroes and not to take them for granted. I've learned to love and be thankful especially for parents, siblings, friends, classmates, co-workers,aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandparents, teachers, pastors, police, firefighters, paramedics, doctors, nurses, children, and students. They have inspired me to be a hero because anybody can be one. I've learned to laugh and hug more, but also that it's okay to cry and get angry too.

I've learned that a tragedy is really a wonderful opportunity to do God's work. It's an opportunity for someone to earn their badge (or wings or gold star...whatever you want to call it, as long as you get the metaphor) and to be honored for their bravery. It's an opportunity to give thanks and remember. It's a time to come together to rejoice and celebrate a person's final homecoming and to see their joy and excitement as they enter.

I'm also reminded that these lessons and reminders should go beyond tragedy. We shouldn't have to wait for tragedy to be a hero or to hug our children. Live everyday as if it were a tragedy because...

"A tragedy need not have blood and death; it's enough that it all will be filled with that majestic sadness that is the pleasure of tragedy."-Jean Racine

The minute life stops being treated as a tragedy is the minute a new one begins. So continue your forgiving, remembering, celebrating, and thanking.

 

I know it's a little late, but...I don't care

The first week back from Thanksgiving break. It was such a good break! And a much needed one!

 Our family does the tradition every year of going around the room and saying what we're thankful for after my dad says the prayer and I just wanted to share a few things that I'm thankful for (and what my family said too).

1. My family of course because they're awesome! More specifically Grace. She's been a huge blessing in my life and I never thought I could love somebody (especially a baby, because I'm not very good with babies) this much. And I'm thankful that she remembers me every time I come home from school. :)

2. My puppy Petey because dogs are wonderful and it's proven that people with pets live longer. :)

3. That I am saved through faith in Christ Jesus and can worship freely and that I was raised in a Christian home.

4. The gift of music and the ability to hear. Music soothes the soul and makes me feel good. :)

5. I'm thankful for the caring staff and professors at Bethel that are always there for me when I need them. And that I can actually afford to go to Bethel. :)

6. That I know ASL and can communicate with Deaf people.

7. My friends, both at home and at school. I'm a lot to deal with so anybody that can handle my personality is a trooper. :)

8. I have the ability to read and see the world around me (that God so beautifully created)

9. 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. chances. :)

10. Blogging, I like it a lot and is a great therapy. :)

11. That this semester is almost over. :)

12. Chiropractors! They're life-savers!

13. And my personal favorite that my dad says every year...indoor plumbing and toilet paper because I could never pee outside so hopefully I never get stuck in the woods. :)

National To Save A Life Week

So in honor of National To Save A Life Week and Suicide Awareness I thought I'd share a personal story.

I've never attempted suicide. I've thought about it, I think we all have at one point in our lives. You begin to wonder how people would react if you were gone. You start to think that all this crap you're going through isn't worth it that things would just be easier if you ended it.

Last night at my Bible study someone there mentioned how God had taken everybody away from them. Two of their friends had committed suicide. They wondered why God would allow somebody to do something like that and why God had given us freewill. I'm never really sure what to say when someone asks me about something like that. The only thing I could think to say was that maybe God did try to do or say something to stop their friends from committing suicide, but they were not accepting His help. After I said that I literally started to cry. Tears streaming down my face and my lip quivering (I don't think my lip has ever quivered that much before). The reason behind my tears was that I've been in that same situation. There have been many times in my life where I have seeked God out for help hoping He would answer, but I never thought I was getting an answer. But I was...those answers usually involved other people. I truly believe that God puts people in our lives because He knows how hard it is for us to sometimes feel His presence, that sometimes we need someone to physically wrap their arms around you in a hug. 

The night before I left to come to Bethel sophomore year my mom came to my room bawling her eyes out (no surprise) and told me (pretty clearly for having cried so much. She's really good at crying and talking clearly) that she wasn't worried about me going so far away from home (Bethel's 7 hours away) because she knew God was going to put people in my life to watch out for me. My freshman year it was very evident that He had but almost all of last year I struggled with trying to figure out who and what God was doing in my life. Last night I realized that God had put people in my life, many people, but I was the one pushing people away. I wasn't taking God's help.

Sometimes it's hard to accept why people die, especially when they die from taking their own lives. But it's important to remember that because God gave us freewill people won't always accept the help you offer them, but that doesn't mean you should give up on them.

If my best friend had given up on me I doubt I would be here right now. I said that I had never attempted to kill myself, but I was a cutter. For the longest time my best friend didn't know about that situation. I thought I could handle the situation on my own and I didn't want to trouble her. When I finally did tell her she got so upset with me. I've only seen my best friend cry a few times since I've known her. This was one of those times. She blamed herself for my actions.She was mad that she hadn't been there for me. When I heard her blame herself for a choice I made I realized that I didn't want that. If I wasn't going to love myself for myself then I at least needed to do it for those who loved me.

My friend always comments on how I saved her life because I brought her to Christ. Well, she saved mine too. She showed me how to live and to accept the help of others.

So don't ever give up on someone you care about. And if it's too late, keep their memory alive, and don't let that stop you from trying to save someone else.

So for those friends/family who love me and have always been there for me (even when I didn't see it) THANK YOU!

For those who I've hurt and haven't offered my help to, I'M SORRY!

"When deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive. Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future."-Mary Karen Read (journal entry from a VA Tech shooting victim)

This applies to everybody. Forgiveness of others and forgiveness of the self.
I understand that we really are never alone, because God is with us ALWAYS, but He also commanded us to love one another, that means to show others they are never alone because we are there too.

Christians are not perfect. Just forgiven.

I have that saying on a key chain that hangs with my keys. You know, I have friends that are not Christians. The ones who don't go to church. May believe that there's a god, but are not quite sure. Or you know, those one friends who grew up going to church and Sunday school, and confirmation class, but then they grew up and drifted away from that life. Some of those friends may claim to still be Christians but as the old saying goes, "Going to church makes you as much of a Christian as sitting in the garage makes you a car."
I think sometimes people choose not to be Christians because they think they have to give up all their fun and I think they do view Christians as being stuck up....but just like my key chain says we're not perfect and we definitely don't call ourselves that, but we remember that when we do screw up we're forgiven. Now that doesn't mean we should take advantage of that. I strongly dislike the people who think it's okay to live together and have premarital sex. When you know it's wrong, why do you do it?
Another reason people may have a hard time believing is because they're afraid to put their trust in something. I've always had the philosophy though that if some how God doesn't end up being real and when I die I figure that out at least I believed in something and I'd rather believe and have Him not be real than to not believe and come to find that He is real. Probably not a good reason to be a Christian but hey, I'm not perfect. :)

In the words of C.S. Lewis "I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity."

I'm sure there are countless other reasons why people don't believe and I really don't know why I was thinking about this but I just felt the need to write about it. So if this was offensive I apologize and if you didn't like it then don't read it.

Truly Blessed

Last week I realized (and I'm just now getting to write about it. :) ) I am truly blessed. My dad was recently diagnosed with a mild form of prostate cancer and I'll admit, I was pretty upset about it. I mean, come on, it's cancer. Cancer is like the ultimate cuss word that nobody wants to hear. I was also, believe it or not, pissed at my dad because he's the guy who won't do anything about cancer. He never thought he would get it because cancer doesn't run in his family. It's heart problems he has to worry about. That's why he still hasn't gone to get his colonoscopy even though he's 3 years overdue and the doctor told him last year he needed one. I had a little bit of the "serves him right" attitude.
 At first I didn't really have anybody to turn to because my parents didn't want me telling anybody and the rest of my family didn't know. The only reason I knew was because I was with my mom and dad when he received the phone call and after we found out Mom and Dad didn't really talk about it anymore. That's how our family deals with things. We only talk about it when there's been development or it's like super duper important.
However, I did email my block group from school and those who received my email have been very supportive about it and understanding and they have no idea how much I appreciate it. When it was okay to start telling people I told my two best friends. One of them has experienced a parent having cancer. Both of them were supportive and told me that they were there for me. And they definitely have been.
Last week I had to tell a few of my friends  from school that I wouldn't be able to go to our friend's wedding because we didn't know what was going to be going on with my dad yet and once again all of them reassured me of their presence and made sure I knew they would be there for me. :)
Then two days ago I ended up having to tell the couple I'm staying with for my internship (which is so awesome you have no idea! And I'm NOT working with deaf kids. My emphasis is actually more towards psychology now than interpreting. I'm actually not even getting an interpreting degree. I'm getting a deaf studies degree which the degree just without the interpreting classes but without the interpreting class I can't be an interpreter) that Dad had cancer after they asked me about my parents' vacation plans. And I was once again given prayers and comfort. :)
The sad thing is that none of these blessings really hit me until yesterday after I got home from my internship. It was 9:00 at night. I was supposed to be home at 7:00. It's a 2 1/2 hour drive that turned into a 4 1/2 hour drive because of all the storms that there were. What also happened on my way hope which I'm really upset, embarrassed, and grateful for is that when I was about an hour and a half away from home I got pulled over for speeding, right when my mom was calling me too to see where I was (go ahead and laugh I know you want to). Thankfully since I'd never been pulled over before and I think also because he saw how nervous I was by how much my hands were shaking he let me go with a warning. So there it was my worst nightmare. Getting pulled over by a cop and getting caught in storm by myself and my perfect driving record ruined. I was so PISSED you have no idea. I was angry and tired and I just wanted to be home. And the reason I wrote this blog is because I'm still upset about it today, but as I was thinking and really understanding how lucky I was and hope much God was looking after me I realized I truly was blessed not just last night but with my family and friends and my job and my internship opportunity.

P.S. I totally blame my getting pulled over on my co-worker/ case worker Adam because he told me to speed home to beat the storm. :)