Home Is Where The Heart Is

Hello All,
So I don't really know what to say or where to start. Recently, while preparing to move back home from Indiana, my mind has just been racing and my emotions seem to be on overdrive. Why, you might ask? Well, so far this year I've learned that home really is where the heart is. And right now my heart is conflicted. There's a part of me that is so excited about going home and being with my family and friends again, starting my internship, going back to zumba classes, helping my BFF plan her wedding and hopefully finding a new job. But then there's another part of me that's sad about leaving Indiana. This place has really been my home for the last 4 years while I was away at school. I've established some really good relationships, some better than at home. I could see myself living in either place, but I wonder, in which place would I be the most happy. Which place would be best to start over? This life I have right now is definitely not what I pictured 4 years ago. Back at home I know I have a place to stay and people who care about me (which I have in Indiana too). I have a routine. I'm not constantly being reminded of all the terrible things that happened these last couple of years. I have opportunities.  But when I am at home I'm almost...homesick.  When I'm in Indiana I know that if the need were ever to arise I could go back home, my family would be there. But when I'm home (which is in IL by the way), I often worry, what if I never get to go back there again? Some of you IN folks are probably like, why? There's really nothing great about us.
There are really so many things I could do right now.

-Go home, do my internship and study up for the IL state test again, and hopefully get a job interpreting.
-Go home, don't do the internship and just try to find whatever kind of job you can get.
-Stay in IN where I probably won't find an internship or get any kind of interpreting practice and experience, but could maybe try something different.
The problem right now is that I went from truly loving something and believing that I was truly good at it to failing everything that would confirm I was good at it, making me wonder, is this really what I was meant to do or do I need to find something different? If I do need to find something different what should that something different be?

School's Out Forever....Almost!

Oh my goodness, I was looking through my posts when I noticed I haven't blogged anything since July. For those who actually read & enjoy my blog I apologize. :) I've been in classes for a month now & you guys have no idea what's been going on. No wonder my mom's all up in my business. :)
Unfortunately, I do have to be careful with what I say. Gotta practice confidentiality. :) All you need to know is that the work is hard, the friendships are a godsend, & your bed is your best friend. :)
I can't believe I'm finally in my last year of college! I'm super excited but extremely terrified at the same time. :) Excited to be done with homework :) but terrified to pay off my student loans :) and be a real adult. :) It's weird to think about. I still don't view myself as being one...but no matter what happens I know I can do everything through Him who empowers me. :)
I can't believe how fast time has flown by. Seems like only yesterday I was calling my RD to complain about the drunk people banging on my door at 2 in the morning. :) But I've learned a lot in these last 5 years & not just academically but mentally & emotionally, about God & about myself. Really I'd say the only regret I have is not having more time. I should have taken more of the opportunities that came my way but you live & learn. :)

So speaking of finishing college, that means, I don't think it would quite match up if my blog remained "Confessions of a College Student". Any name suggestions out there? :)

*Insert creative title here* :)

Seeing as how it's been a while since I've blogged (and I'm sure you are all so devastated by it :) ) I thought now might be a good time to look back and reflect on the school year. I can't believe this year is almost over! Next year I'll be a senior and will be on practicum (fingers crossed ;) ). What am I gonna do after I graduate? I can't call my blog Confessions of a College Student. :)
This year has been pretty good compared to others. You're finally to that point where you really click with people (if you're socially slow like me :) ) and feel more like yourself. I finally figured out what all to do with the waste of credits I have and finally feel like I'm where I should be. Do I still worry everyday that I'm gonna flunk out of the interpreting program and have to try to find something else to do? Yes, but that's only because you have no idea how intense the program is. Bethel is like the Yale of interpreting. :) But I finally feel confident in my decision of being an interpreter.
So everything has worked out for me in that department, but emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I don't feel satisfied. I'm still not comfortable in my own skin and I know there are characteristics that I need to work on, and I want to work on them, but you have that bad, sinful part of you that says, "you can do that later." Before you know your head is spinning and you have no idea what you're going to do. I was really hoping  that would get better this year. Instead of people looking at me and either pitying me or thinking I'm mean (which really just means they're annoyed by you :) ) I want to be one of those people that just makes someone's day and be someone they'll remember for their kindness/good personality ;).
I know some of you (actually probably most of you) are thinking, "well, umm...you can do that. Just do it. You wanna change then go for it. Nobody else can do it for you. That's what tomorrows are for." All of these statements are true and are good advice, but for some people (and I'm not trying to make excuses :) ) it's more complicated then that. They can't just instantly drop who they are/have been and be who they want to be. It takes time, patience, faith, and searching. One of the hardest lessons you'll ever have to learn in life is how to accept who you are but at the same time improve who you are, and I have quickly learned that it's a lot easier said then done. I've also learned that it's important to remember that bad things happen and people are bad/stupid/whatever because there is sin in the world and I can't change that. On this earth there's no such thing as perfect.
Even though I've taken notice of these issues and maybe (hopefully :) ) sound like I know what I'm talking about, sometimes all I want to do is get my degree, get a job, move away from family and friends and start my life over again. When you're in college and are still financially dependent on your parents it's hard to lead your own life while still satisfying theirs. Sometimes I feel like I'm never really gonna know who I am until I graduate and move out.
So that's what I wish I could have done over again. But it's all in God's time.

I don't want this blog to seem too serious, the smiley faces are really me smiling/laughing because I'm trying to virtually lighten the mood. :)

What does this mean?

hy·poc·ri·sy  (h-pkr-s)

n. pl. hy·poc·ri·sies

1. The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness.

2. An act or instance of such falseness.

two-faced (tfst)

adj.

1. Having two faces or surfaces.

2. Hypocritical or double-dealing; deceitful

Oy Vey, I've heard these 2 words so many times this week and lemme tell ya, I'm sick of it. Do you people even know what those words mean? Apparently not.

Let's look at hypocrisy and the first definition for a moment, "The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess." Well, I'm no expert but if you ask me it kinda sounds like all human beings, all Christians are guilty of this. Am I right or am I right?

That is what we call sin ladies and gents. Yup, no matter how pure I wanna be and even if I save myself for marriage I've still committed adultery over a dozen times (hello, have you seen Johnny Depp hotchacha!). And even if I have never intentionally set out to kill somebody, I've already committed murder too. Yeah, all those people that I find annoying, sorry I just murdered you.

I don't condone this behavior but yet I still commit it. I even know it's wrong when I do it. Does that make me a hypocrite? According to this definition it does.

Now let's look at two-faced. It pretty much means the same thing as hypocrisy but if you look at the first definition, that meaning could easily go many ways. When  I read it I see someone who acts one way with someone and then goes and acts completely different with another person. Again, all Christians are guilty of this. And not just because of sin but....because the brain and emotions and people are just complicated. Each person you meet is gonna bring something out in you that another does not. And each person has their own story. Their own struggles. Their own hurts. This makes it impossible for us to stay as we are 24/7 for 365 days.

Hypocrisy was something that I struggled with a lot when I was younger. Meaning that I would judge people unfairly and call them hypocrites. I've recently learned that I don't have any right to judge somebody and to give them that label because I'm guilty of it too, and it's not my job to judge.

So, please, next time somebody pisses you off and you really wanna accuse someone of being a hypocrite or two-faced, take a long hard look at yourself and remember...you're one too and calling them that isn't going to change anything.

Now Not Later

While I was trying to beautify my blog (BTW, let me know what you think of the new look) and I was going through old posts I decided that maybe it was time (AT LAST) to look back on 2012 and see what 2013 will bring.

My 2012 in a nutshell.

If you're friends with me on pinterest you are probably aware that I have a board called "My Life Complete." Everything that had been on my bucket list that had come true I moved over to that board. Here are a few I was able to move...

1.    Technically I finished up all of my ASL classes back in 2011-2012, but this year I also completed my first semester of interpreting classes.....and passed! When you're in the interpreting program here at Bethel everyday is a challenge (think America's Next Top Model, except the goal is to get more than one winner :P ). Bethel is like the Harvard of interpreting.
2.  This was the excursion I chose to do during our family cruise this summer. I think it's something everybody should try in their lifetime. Very interesting creatures.
3.  Yes, Yes, I know that I've been living in a dorm room since 2009/2010. But I'm still here.

4.  Yes, that's what I did for my 21st birthday. It was awesome and I still have no regrets. :)




5.  AGAIN! Whoot! Avery Olivia...proud aunt and godmother right here!
6. Yeah, part of the excursion was getting to ride them too...ski style.
7. First one ever and got to go with the whole family! Grandma's are the best....especially mine. :)
8. I'm sure there are countless others that I could name too. Like I sort of mentioned before...with Avery I'm her godmother, so that was a first. However, Avery, I'm not crafty enough to make you a car out of a pumpkin. :) But I could maybe make you a dress. :)
9. I FINALLY got to bring the mini van to school with me...which was nice and not so much. Yes, I know, cars take a lot of money. This also included driving myself home...really not that bad.
10. I interpreted in chapel for the first time....scariest thing ever....our first goal is always not to pass out, puke, or run off the stage...I made it....but it was hard.
11. I also drank legally for the first time. A drink every now and then is nice. :)

Hmmm...I can't really think of anything more...got any?

Now for 2013 here are my expectations: So many to choose from!!!

1. My friends I'm sure you know who I'm talking about here....and if you don't, too bad, I'm not telling you anyway. :P
2.  I know this is all in God's time. If I can't have this this year at least give me some patience then.
3.  Pretty self-explanatory.
4.  This one is too.
5.  I don't think I've had hair this long since....ever.
6. Only in my dreams. :)
7. And do it in a healthy way.
8. If I can teach myself how to French braid, I can teach myself how to waterfall braid.
9. This goes with #5.
10. Don't judge me!
11. If anybody else wants to do this they should let me know. :)
12. And this year the biggest one will be passing my classes and making it through all of chapel and not just the worship part. :)

Well, That's pretty much it. I could go on...but...I gotta have some secrets. :P The challenge is to live in the now and concentrate on what I'm doing now and not later. So don't ask me what I want to do after graduation. :)

In the Midst of Tragedy....

It's hard to understand the reasoning behind God's actions, especially in the midst of tragedy. When tragedy strikes there are always questions. "Why did this happen?" "Why this person?" "What caused this?" "What can I do?" "Where was God in all this?" "How will I cope?"

All these questions are natural. Sadly, however, so is tragedy. Sadness is a normal part of life.

"The word 'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were  not balanced by sadness."-Carl Gustav Jung

However, I'm a strong believer in that God has a lesson or perhaps a reminder, in mind for anything that happens. In celebration? Yes. And yes, even in tragedy. I think we are all pretty aware though that sometimes it's hard to know what those lessons are, especially when they come from tragedy. Sometimes that is out of our own stubbornness/ignorance and sometimes it can be unclear.

The tragedies I have witnessed I have been reminded of how awful and evil the world is, but how through all of it God is there never leaving or forsaking us. I have learned how important forgiveness is. I have learned how hard forgiveness can be, and I admire those who forgive people who least deserve it. I'm reminded of how important people are and why God didn't just stop after Adam and I've learned that anybody can be a hero. I've been reminded to remember those heroes and not to take them for granted. I've learned to love and be thankful especially for parents, siblings, friends, classmates, co-workers,aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandparents, teachers, pastors, police, firefighters, paramedics, doctors, nurses, children, and students. They have inspired me to be a hero because anybody can be one. I've learned to laugh and hug more, but also that it's okay to cry and get angry too.

I've learned that a tragedy is really a wonderful opportunity to do God's work. It's an opportunity for someone to earn their badge (or wings or gold star...whatever you want to call it, as long as you get the metaphor) and to be honored for their bravery. It's an opportunity to give thanks and remember. It's a time to come together to rejoice and celebrate a person's final homecoming and to see their joy and excitement as they enter.

I'm also reminded that these lessons and reminders should go beyond tragedy. We shouldn't have to wait for tragedy to be a hero or to hug our children. Live everyday as if it were a tragedy because...

"A tragedy need not have blood and death; it's enough that it all will be filled with that majestic sadness that is the pleasure of tragedy."-Jean Racine

The minute life stops being treated as a tragedy is the minute a new one begins. So continue your forgiving, remembering, celebrating, and thanking.

 

F.Y.I.

Alright...family...friends...complete strangers...let's get a few things straightened out....
Do you know what I heard all summer?
"You need to get a job."
"Apply for this. Apply for that. Be aggressive."
"Have you found a job yet?" "Did you try this place?"
and complain, complain, complain.

And do you want to know what I've been hearing since I got back (well, before I got back even) to school?
"You need to get a job."
"Here are a couple of places for you to try."
*wink, wink *point, point (MOM)
"Wow, there are a lot of restaurant opportunities here. Try this place"

You know, during my last therapy session for the summer my therapist asked me what my goal was for this year. I said finding a job because people were already giving me crap about it and I was tired of being poor. Of course, he saw right through that and asked if that was really my goal and not someone else's. And you know what? Getting a job is NOT my goal for this school year because honestly folks, believe it or not I don't find money and getting a job the most important thing in the world right now, especially since I'm still in school and classes are just gonna get harder and more time consuming. You would think people would be more considerate towards that kinda thing...but they're not. Sure, it'd be nice to have a job so I can afford basic necessities like prescription refills, gas money, and the chiropractor now and then because until you have experienced what I have you have no right to tell me how to live my life and you have no idea what my needs entitle.
And I know that those of you who have been trying to help me (nagging) are doing just that because you care about me, but until this past summer I have always been able to find a job on my own and you giving me jobs left and right and "helping" me just makes me not want to get a job just to spite you. Awful I know but that's what I do.
And you know what I find rather funny? Those couple of years where I actually had good jobs my parents still paid for a lot of my stuff and now...with no job, they're telling me to pay for everything and to get a job. Now I know I'm an "adult" now and I'm supposed to take care of myself blah blah blah, but a couple years ago I was more financially stable and probably could care of myself to a degree and could afford to pay for stuff and I'm not now. Seems a little backwards to me.
But what do I know. I haven't lived as long as some of you have.

So, to sum things up...I don't know what my goal is for this year but it is NOT getting a job. Do not try and "help" me find a job because it just irritates me. If I want help like "hey friend, you should talk me up to your manager at this place" then I will ask for it. I have needs and you have no idea what they are. I want money but if I can't find a job again this year I'm gonna try not to worry about it and if you don't nag on me and just support me I'll be a lot less likely to worry and that will make my life easier. There are more important things to worry about like getting my homework done and...sleeping. 

I also like to complain a lot. :) So please don't take all this too personally.

"Give Me Some Hope To Follow And I Will Run"

Well this semester has flown by...and it has been CRAZY!!! I'm so glad that by tomorrow night it'll be over, but you know what's sad? I have absolutely no desire to go home...which is crazy because usually I can't wait to go home. AWWW!!!! What's wrong with me!!! JK!
Thing is, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to when I get home (besides the cruise that I'll be going on in July, but that's not til July! What am I gonna do til then?)
See, last summer I had a babysitting job lined up so I knew I'd be good with money, I had an internship lined up for most of the summer so I'd have some school work to do and I'd actually be doing something with my time (unlike when I babysit...maha!), and I knew that I'd be getting my wisdom teeth out (not so much fun, but at least for that I didn't feel bad being lazy). This summer...NOTHING.
 My days will probably consist of me sleeping then job searching and applying for jobs. Which it will probably be next to impossible to find a job since nobody wants to hire a college student just for the summer, but you know what, if you ask me that's a pretty good way to do it, hire a college student when they're home. That way if they suck at the job you only have to deal with them for like 4 months at the most and if you like them, they'll be back for breaks and again in the summer time and then you can hire them permanently when they finish school...sounds like a perfect plan to me....Anywho...
I'm tellin' ya, I don't know how women "WAAAAYYYY back in the day" used to do it. How could they just sit at home and do nothing? Sure some had to actually take care of the house and their children but what about all those lazy rich people who had maids to do their chores and a nurse/nanny/governess to watch their kids? That's what my life is gonna be like this summer because I have no husband/beau/boyfriend/whatever you call it or children and I have no job so I'll be sitting at home doing nothing just like them...talk about pathetic. Gets me thinking about the verse from my last blog from Ecclesiastes about how everything is meaningless...what purpose does sitting at home reading all day or whatever else those women used to do, have? What purpose does my summer have?

Serious
 Funny, gotta have both in life.


"Give me some hope to follow and I will run."-Jarrod Gorbel, featured on one of the new TWLOHA T-shirts.

I know it's a little late, but...I don't care

The first week back from Thanksgiving break. It was such a good break! And a much needed one!

 Our family does the tradition every year of going around the room and saying what we're thankful for after my dad says the prayer and I just wanted to share a few things that I'm thankful for (and what my family said too).

1. My family of course because they're awesome! More specifically Grace. She's been a huge blessing in my life and I never thought I could love somebody (especially a baby, because I'm not very good with babies) this much. And I'm thankful that she remembers me every time I come home from school. :)

2. My puppy Petey because dogs are wonderful and it's proven that people with pets live longer. :)

3. That I am saved through faith in Christ Jesus and can worship freely and that I was raised in a Christian home.

4. The gift of music and the ability to hear. Music soothes the soul and makes me feel good. :)

5. I'm thankful for the caring staff and professors at Bethel that are always there for me when I need them. And that I can actually afford to go to Bethel. :)

6. That I know ASL and can communicate with Deaf people.

7. My friends, both at home and at school. I'm a lot to deal with so anybody that can handle my personality is a trooper. :)

8. I have the ability to read and see the world around me (that God so beautifully created)

9. 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. chances. :)

10. Blogging, I like it a lot and is a great therapy. :)

11. That this semester is almost over. :)

12. Chiropractors! They're life-savers!

13. And my personal favorite that my dad says every year...indoor plumbing and toilet paper because I could never pee outside so hopefully I never get stuck in the woods. :)

"Being rich in money and things doesn't last. Being rich in the Lord and people last forever."

Everyday I recite this quote and try and remind myself of its words. And everyday I try and convince myself that if God knew I needed another job or money, He would make sure I was provided for. But as a college student who's going to be in school an extra year because of a sucky poor life choice I made my freshman year, the youngest of three, stressed out makes okay money parents, car owner, on the verge of becoming a shopaholic, and suffers from chronic stress/anxiety/worry/depression/pain/pity-me syndrome (if you couldn't already tell I made that up. That's not a real disease). So...this combination is not a very good one. And you know I'm not some lazy hobo that sits on my butt all day. I got classes. I have homework. And more homework. And more homework. And you know I don't want to be a pathetic wallflower who has no fun like I was last year, but sometimes I just don't know when to say no to people and then later I regret going and hanging out at the mall instead of staying in my dorm working on homework, but really the only reason I worry about homework is because I want to do well in my classes, but I want to do well in my classes mostly because I want to keep my 3.0 so that I can keep my scholarship. Otherwise I'll have to take out more loans and add another 10 years on to paying them off and I'll being listening to my parents bitch (that's right I said bitch, that's how upset I am right now) about me getting a job and wasting their money and doing better in classes and paying for crap, but you know what, I really don't want to be dependent on my parents. I hate that I'm a spoiled brat that sometimes has to ask for money and usually gets it but would not know how to live without my parents. So you know after I try to remind myself of my dad's quote (yeah, that's right my dad said that) it's followed by a but and this long shpeel that I just gave.......and scene!
I think I'm done venting now.

Ahh...JJ you always know what to say...Remember God will love me for me.

Down Memory Lane

So this past week has brought back so many memories from my freshman year of college. Unfortunately these are not good memories. With the situation I'm going through right now sometimes I feel like it's worse than freshman year, but then when I stop and think about it I realize how much better it actually is. Sure, the present situation has caused me a lot more trouble and grief, but I've had so much more support and the staff here has done so much for me to make it better (more than I can say about the staff freshman year). It's a constant reminder of God's presence and how my mom has been right all along (yes, I can't believe I just admitted that) and God has blessed me with wonderful people and I am being taken care of. It's such a relief to know that....

 Freshman year with the best gal ever!

Shekinah Glory! 

Sophomore year

Junior year service day!

Junior year

Me at apple picking, that's my favorite ring that I lost so if you see it...please give it back! Please and Thanks!

There could never be a more beautiful you!

Today at 5 Star we talked to our group of kids about labels. Unfortunately, everybody is going to get labeled. Sometimes we like those labels and sometimes we don't. The important thing to realize is that you can choose what to label yourself as and you can accept or reject those labels.

One label I think every person should have and believe in...

            

Gracie, I hope you know that!

"God has made everything beautiful in its time."-Ecclesiastes 3:11