The end of an era

Well, blog world, it's the end of an era. Though I have this last semester to go before I'm finished with college I have a feeling it's going to go by pretty quickly. Now, I've been in a little bit of a funk when it comes to my blogging life. I just can't seem to think of anything interesting to post on here anymore. Since my blog is called "Confessions of a College Student" I've decided that perhaps it is time to say good-bye to my blog. I know you all will be so terribly heart-broken ;) by this decision, but I haven't been posting much anyway. I'll miss you all!

School's Out Forever....Almost!

Oh my goodness, I was looking through my posts when I noticed I haven't blogged anything since July. For those who actually read & enjoy my blog I apologize. :) I've been in classes for a month now & you guys have no idea what's been going on. No wonder my mom's all up in my business. :)
Unfortunately, I do have to be careful with what I say. Gotta practice confidentiality. :) All you need to know is that the work is hard, the friendships are a godsend, & your bed is your best friend. :)
I can't believe I'm finally in my last year of college! I'm super excited but extremely terrified at the same time. :) Excited to be done with homework :) but terrified to pay off my student loans :) and be a real adult. :) It's weird to think about. I still don't view myself as being one...but no matter what happens I know I can do everything through Him who empowers me. :)
I can't believe how fast time has flown by. Seems like only yesterday I was calling my RD to complain about the drunk people banging on my door at 2 in the morning. :) But I've learned a lot in these last 5 years & not just academically but mentally & emotionally, about God & about myself. Really I'd say the only regret I have is not having more time. I should have taken more of the opportunities that came my way but you live & learn. :)

So speaking of finishing college, that means, I don't think it would quite match up if my blog remained "Confessions of a College Student". Any name suggestions out there? :)

A Day In The Life

Lately I've been having a hard time figuring out what to write about (sometimes it's just that I'm too much of a perfectionist when it comes to my writing). I've always wanted to write about my college experience and my future career, but unfortunately, just like a doctor or a psychotherapist my Code of Ethics requires that I keep confidentiality and I want to obey that (even though I'm not an interpreter yet). This rule makes it so hard to open up to people sometimes because people often think that sign language is simple and only requires "hands signals" and you're just "talking with your hands". I know that it's never the person's fault for believing this because they don't know any better. Unfortunately, society has not been exposed to the Deaf culture like they should. This makes it difficult to actually explain my career choice too because for me it's simple while for other people they just don't get it.

• Some questions that I've been asked.

1. What's A.S.L.? (American Sign Language) You mean sign language isn't universal? -Seriously, think about it. Is English a universal language? And yes, there are even different sign languages used in the U.S. just like how people speak differently in English people sign differently too.
2. So what can you do with that degree? Is there really a need for that?-Umm, I can pretty much do whatever I want. Wherever there's a deaf person there should be an interpreter.
3. That was so amazing! My *such and such* knows sign language and they use it with their special needs class. Is that what you're gonna do?-Yeah, there's a difference between knowing a few baby signs and actually being fluent in it and being certified to interpret.
4. *hearing person looks at you*, can you ask so and so this?-Just talk to them like you're having a normal conversation. You are going to want to look THEM in the eye.
5. And I'm standing there interpreting....hearing client "Don't sign that."-Umm, sorry you said it I'm gonna sign it. Those be the rules! And after you sign whatever you don't what me to sign I will also sign DON'T SIGN THAT.
6. And the thing that bothers us the most...*you're up signing for a speaker* and the speaker thinks it's funny to say something like "Oh hey, you're doing such a good job. So how do you sign this or this" (usually a word like poop or a cuss word).-Yeeeaahh, this is just rude to the interpreter and don't use us to hold your props or anything either.
7. *after a person finds out you're an interpreter* I don't know if I would like to be deaf. I would miss music too much or what about this or this?-That's nice. Usually this is accompanied by pity towards the deaf person and the idea that they just can't do anything (like drive-they can drive!)
8. Or you have the hearing client who tries to speak louder to the deaf person.-Ummm, they can't hear! Duh!
9. I just love watching you and your hand signals *person waves their hands in your face*-Yeeaahhh, it's called sign language and I'm a sign language interpreter and don't wave your hands at me because that's just rude and annoying.
10. "Can't they just read my lips?" Or "Oh they're deaf, so they have to know sign."-Reading lips is a lot harder than it looks. Can you read lips? Or why don't you just try to read their hands. And just because a person is deaf does not mean they know sign language. They may have grown up orally and can read lips and talk quite well.

And there are many more where that came from. People also tend to think that learning sign language is easy. ABSOLUTELY NOT! Have you ever learned a second language? Have you ever looked at the Linguistics of English let alone the Linguistics of ASL (Although most people don't even know what linguistics is either (the study of language)?

Well, if I haven't made you die from boredom yet here are a few facts about Deaf culture that I think are important and why I sign,

1. "Impaired" means "broken", the deaf are not broken. They prefer to be called "deaf" just "deaf". Not "hearing-impaired" or "deaf and dumb" or "deaf and mute".Deafness is not a disability and deaf people are actually very independent. After all, they've been looked down on all their lives.
2.  Not all deaf people want to hear and when in an environment where both parties use the same language deaf people are just as smart or even smarter than hearing people (yes, even in English).
3. Eye contact and touch are very important to them. So don't freak out if they touch you.
4. Honestly, I did go into interpreting because I wanted to "help" people (the deaf don't like that word). However, I wanted to help people understand each other not help them overcome this big "obstacle" or "disability" I wanted people to be heard and have equal access to communication.
5. Contrary to popular belief an interpreter works for the deaf client and the hearing client.
6. I also went into interpreting because of all the different jobs I could have. I like the idea that I really am making a difference. I'm the one who helps save a person's life after a car crash. I bring justice to the abused victim. I console the daughter who's watching her mother die. I get to be a part of critical moments in a person's life. To me, that's important. To be a part of somebody's life, a part of their life worth remembering.

1 Corinthians 14:10-12
"Undoubtedly there are all sorts of languages in the world., yet none of them is without meaning. If then I do not grasp the meaning of what someone is saying, I am a foreigner to the speaker, and he is a foreigner to me. So it is with you. Since you are eater to have spiritual gifts, try to excel in gifts that build up the church."

*Insert creative title here* :)

Seeing as how it's been a while since I've blogged (and I'm sure you are all so devastated by it :) ) I thought now might be a good time to look back and reflect on the school year. I can't believe this year is almost over! Next year I'll be a senior and will be on practicum (fingers crossed ;) ). What am I gonna do after I graduate? I can't call my blog Confessions of a College Student. :)
This year has been pretty good compared to others. You're finally to that point where you really click with people (if you're socially slow like me :) ) and feel more like yourself. I finally figured out what all to do with the waste of credits I have and finally feel like I'm where I should be. Do I still worry everyday that I'm gonna flunk out of the interpreting program and have to try to find something else to do? Yes, but that's only because you have no idea how intense the program is. Bethel is like the Yale of interpreting. :) But I finally feel confident in my decision of being an interpreter.
So everything has worked out for me in that department, but emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I don't feel satisfied. I'm still not comfortable in my own skin and I know there are characteristics that I need to work on, and I want to work on them, but you have that bad, sinful part of you that says, "you can do that later." Before you know your head is spinning and you have no idea what you're going to do. I was really hoping  that would get better this year. Instead of people looking at me and either pitying me or thinking I'm mean (which really just means they're annoyed by you :) ) I want to be one of those people that just makes someone's day and be someone they'll remember for their kindness/good personality ;).
I know some of you (actually probably most of you) are thinking, "well, umm...you can do that. Just do it. You wanna change then go for it. Nobody else can do it for you. That's what tomorrows are for." All of these statements are true and are good advice, but for some people (and I'm not trying to make excuses :) ) it's more complicated then that. They can't just instantly drop who they are/have been and be who they want to be. It takes time, patience, faith, and searching. One of the hardest lessons you'll ever have to learn in life is how to accept who you are but at the same time improve who you are, and I have quickly learned that it's a lot easier said then done. I've also learned that it's important to remember that bad things happen and people are bad/stupid/whatever because there is sin in the world and I can't change that. On this earth there's no such thing as perfect.
Even though I've taken notice of these issues and maybe (hopefully :) ) sound like I know what I'm talking about, sometimes all I want to do is get my degree, get a job, move away from family and friends and start my life over again. When you're in college and are still financially dependent on your parents it's hard to lead your own life while still satisfying theirs. Sometimes I feel like I'm never really gonna know who I am until I graduate and move out.
So that's what I wish I could have done over again. But it's all in God's time.

I don't want this blog to seem too serious, the smiley faces are really me smiling/laughing because I'm trying to virtually lighten the mood. :)

What does this mean?

hy·poc·ri·sy  (h-pkr-s)

n. pl. hy·poc·ri·sies

1. The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness.

2. An act or instance of such falseness.

two-faced (tfst)

adj.

1. Having two faces or surfaces.

2. Hypocritical or double-dealing; deceitful

Oy Vey, I've heard these 2 words so many times this week and lemme tell ya, I'm sick of it. Do you people even know what those words mean? Apparently not.

Let's look at hypocrisy and the first definition for a moment, "The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess." Well, I'm no expert but if you ask me it kinda sounds like all human beings, all Christians are guilty of this. Am I right or am I right?

That is what we call sin ladies and gents. Yup, no matter how pure I wanna be and even if I save myself for marriage I've still committed adultery over a dozen times (hello, have you seen Johnny Depp hotchacha!). And even if I have never intentionally set out to kill somebody, I've already committed murder too. Yeah, all those people that I find annoying, sorry I just murdered you.

I don't condone this behavior but yet I still commit it. I even know it's wrong when I do it. Does that make me a hypocrite? According to this definition it does.

Now let's look at two-faced. It pretty much means the same thing as hypocrisy but if you look at the first definition, that meaning could easily go many ways. When  I read it I see someone who acts one way with someone and then goes and acts completely different with another person. Again, all Christians are guilty of this. And not just because of sin but....because the brain and emotions and people are just complicated. Each person you meet is gonna bring something out in you that another does not. And each person has their own story. Their own struggles. Their own hurts. This makes it impossible for us to stay as we are 24/7 for 365 days.

Hypocrisy was something that I struggled with a lot when I was younger. Meaning that I would judge people unfairly and call them hypocrites. I've recently learned that I don't have any right to judge somebody and to give them that label because I'm guilty of it too, and it's not my job to judge.

So, please, next time somebody pisses you off and you really wanna accuse someone of being a hypocrite or two-faced, take a long hard look at yourself and remember...you're one too and calling them that isn't going to change anything.

F.Y.I.

Alright...family...friends...complete strangers...let's get a few things straightened out....
Do you know what I heard all summer?
"You need to get a job."
"Apply for this. Apply for that. Be aggressive."
"Have you found a job yet?" "Did you try this place?"
and complain, complain, complain.

And do you want to know what I've been hearing since I got back (well, before I got back even) to school?
"You need to get a job."
"Here are a couple of places for you to try."
*wink, wink *point, point (MOM)
"Wow, there are a lot of restaurant opportunities here. Try this place"

You know, during my last therapy session for the summer my therapist asked me what my goal was for this year. I said finding a job because people were already giving me crap about it and I was tired of being poor. Of course, he saw right through that and asked if that was really my goal and not someone else's. And you know what? Getting a job is NOT my goal for this school year because honestly folks, believe it or not I don't find money and getting a job the most important thing in the world right now, especially since I'm still in school and classes are just gonna get harder and more time consuming. You would think people would be more considerate towards that kinda thing...but they're not. Sure, it'd be nice to have a job so I can afford basic necessities like prescription refills, gas money, and the chiropractor now and then because until you have experienced what I have you have no right to tell me how to live my life and you have no idea what my needs entitle.
And I know that those of you who have been trying to help me (nagging) are doing just that because you care about me, but until this past summer I have always been able to find a job on my own and you giving me jobs left and right and "helping" me just makes me not want to get a job just to spite you. Awful I know but that's what I do.
And you know what I find rather funny? Those couple of years where I actually had good jobs my parents still paid for a lot of my stuff and now...with no job, they're telling me to pay for everything and to get a job. Now I know I'm an "adult" now and I'm supposed to take care of myself blah blah blah, but a couple years ago I was more financially stable and probably could care of myself to a degree and could afford to pay for stuff and I'm not now. Seems a little backwards to me.
But what do I know. I haven't lived as long as some of you have.

So, to sum things up...I don't know what my goal is for this year but it is NOT getting a job. Do not try and "help" me find a job because it just irritates me. If I want help like "hey friend, you should talk me up to your manager at this place" then I will ask for it. I have needs and you have no idea what they are. I want money but if I can't find a job again this year I'm gonna try not to worry about it and if you don't nag on me and just support me I'll be a lot less likely to worry and that will make my life easier. There are more important things to worry about like getting my homework done and...sleeping. 

I also like to complain a lot. :) So please don't take all this too personally.

Oh the Joys of an Unemployed College Student

Whelp, it's been a while since I've posted anything. Sorry to all my loyal followers out there who really give a damn about what I have to say, but my life over the summer hasn't really been that interesting.
-As I predicted I've got no job this summer. My mom does pay me to clean the house once a week but that money goes by too fast.
-Finished a couple of books this summer, but I can't tell you what they were because I completely forgot. lol.
-At the end of June my mom and I went to go visit my grandma in MICH. That is never a pleasant trip. My grandma has cognitive problems so that's annoying enough, but when you add in her critical, no filture, pity me, complaining personality she becomes unbearable. So that wasn't any fun, besides spending a day up at school visiting Rachel for the day. :)
-Throughout the summer I've been addicted to the T.V. shows Drop Dead Diva, Law & Order S.V.U., and Veronica Mars. (That's what I spend the majority of my days doing, watching T.V.)
-And my family just got back from an Eastern Carribean cruise that our grandma paid for all of us to go to. It was a fun experience since I've never been on one again and it was nice to have something to do and to spend time with my family, but I hate traveling and I am definitely too claustrophobic for cruises. Hopefully the next vacation I go on I will have choosen and paid for.

There's been other things going on this summer  but it's none of y'alls business. :P So as I said my summer's been pretty boring, but in just under a month I'll be going back to school and be one step closer towards graduating. Yay! It's gonna be so scary and stressful but I'm really looking forward to classes and seeing my friends again. :)

"Give Me Some Hope To Follow And I Will Run"

Well this semester has flown by...and it has been CRAZY!!! I'm so glad that by tomorrow night it'll be over, but you know what's sad? I have absolutely no desire to go home...which is crazy because usually I can't wait to go home. AWWW!!!! What's wrong with me!!! JK!
Thing is, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to when I get home (besides the cruise that I'll be going on in July, but that's not til July! What am I gonna do til then?)
See, last summer I had a babysitting job lined up so I knew I'd be good with money, I had an internship lined up for most of the summer so I'd have some school work to do and I'd actually be doing something with my time (unlike when I babysit...maha!), and I knew that I'd be getting my wisdom teeth out (not so much fun, but at least for that I didn't feel bad being lazy). This summer...NOTHING.
 My days will probably consist of me sleeping then job searching and applying for jobs. Which it will probably be next to impossible to find a job since nobody wants to hire a college student just for the summer, but you know what, if you ask me that's a pretty good way to do it, hire a college student when they're home. That way if they suck at the job you only have to deal with them for like 4 months at the most and if you like them, they'll be back for breaks and again in the summer time and then you can hire them permanently when they finish school...sounds like a perfect plan to me....Anywho...
I'm tellin' ya, I don't know how women "WAAAAYYYY back in the day" used to do it. How could they just sit at home and do nothing? Sure some had to actually take care of the house and their children but what about all those lazy rich people who had maids to do their chores and a nurse/nanny/governess to watch their kids? That's what my life is gonna be like this summer because I have no husband/beau/boyfriend/whatever you call it or children and I have no job so I'll be sitting at home doing nothing just like them...talk about pathetic. Gets me thinking about the verse from my last blog from Ecclesiastes about how everything is meaningless...what purpose does sitting at home reading all day or whatever else those women used to do, have? What purpose does my summer have?

Serious
 Funny, gotta have both in life.


"Give me some hope to follow and I will run."-Jarrod Gorbel, featured on one of the new TWLOHA T-shirts.

I know it's a little late, but...I don't care

The first week back from Thanksgiving break. It was such a good break! And a much needed one!

 Our family does the tradition every year of going around the room and saying what we're thankful for after my dad says the prayer and I just wanted to share a few things that I'm thankful for (and what my family said too).

1. My family of course because they're awesome! More specifically Grace. She's been a huge blessing in my life and I never thought I could love somebody (especially a baby, because I'm not very good with babies) this much. And I'm thankful that she remembers me every time I come home from school. :)

2. My puppy Petey because dogs are wonderful and it's proven that people with pets live longer. :)

3. That I am saved through faith in Christ Jesus and can worship freely and that I was raised in a Christian home.

4. The gift of music and the ability to hear. Music soothes the soul and makes me feel good. :)

5. I'm thankful for the caring staff and professors at Bethel that are always there for me when I need them. And that I can actually afford to go to Bethel. :)

6. That I know ASL and can communicate with Deaf people.

7. My friends, both at home and at school. I'm a lot to deal with so anybody that can handle my personality is a trooper. :)

8. I have the ability to read and see the world around me (that God so beautifully created)

9. 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. chances. :)

10. Blogging, I like it a lot and is a great therapy. :)

11. That this semester is almost over. :)

12. Chiropractors! They're life-savers!

13. And my personal favorite that my dad says every year...indoor plumbing and toilet paper because I could never pee outside so hopefully I never get stuck in the woods. :)

Down Memory Lane

So this past week has brought back so many memories from my freshman year of college. Unfortunately these are not good memories. With the situation I'm going through right now sometimes I feel like it's worse than freshman year, but then when I stop and think about it I realize how much better it actually is. Sure, the present situation has caused me a lot more trouble and grief, but I've had so much more support and the staff here has done so much for me to make it better (more than I can say about the staff freshman year). It's a constant reminder of God's presence and how my mom has been right all along (yes, I can't believe I just admitted that) and God has blessed me with wonderful people and I am being taken care of. It's such a relief to know that....

 Freshman year with the best gal ever!

Shekinah Glory! 

Sophomore year

Junior year service day!

Junior year

Me at apple picking, that's my favorite ring that I lost so if you see it...please give it back! Please and Thanks!

Blah...

Everything that has gone wrong this week:

• This past week was Spiritual Emphasis Week, I do not feel spiritually emphasized.
• I was 30 minutes late to my doctor's appointment because my GPS didn't save the address and I'm horrible with directions and I don't like being late. :(
• Got behind on homework.
• Recently, signed up to do 5 Star and instead of being excited about it I spent the entire night freaking out about it and feeling completely overwhelmed with everything I have to do.
• Accompanied with that is wondering what purpose God has for me and what He has called me to do and HATING that I don't know.
• Now being sick and all the yuck that accompanies that-no sleep, discomfort, getting behind on homework, having my first tests on Tuesday and feeling ill prepared, plus all my other homework and projects due this next week.
•  Missing my family-especially Grace. :(
• Finding out that Grace can crawl. Thanks for telling me Mom. I hate being out of the loop.

But, I keep trying to remind myself to have faith like a child. I got to skype with Grace today which did make me miss her, but I was reminded of how little care she has. ;) She currently has an ear infection, sinus infection, and yeast infection, but you wouldn't know by the way she acts. She was a little fussy, but no more than usual, but she just kept banging on that keyboard and talking to me. I seriously cannot help but smile when I see her because of how cute and carefree she is. I desperately wish I could go back to being like a child, not just because I would be so dependent on other people or the attention or having no responsibilities :), but because I want to experience that carefree life again. When you grow up you get so caught up in life that you lose that attitude. Being sick just becomes another weakness and a distraction from the things that need to get down because if things don't get done it's the end of the world!

Please God help me to see the purpose you have for my life. Give me patience. Help me to get better in YOUR time. Keep me focused and motivated. Help me to have faith like a child. Thank you so much for placing Grace in my life. Before she was born I used to think about all the things I would be teaching her. I never imagined all the things she would be teaching me. Father I love you and I give you praise!

"So I say to you...

So, a long time ago, or maybe not that long ago, a wise pastor once did a sermon on the answers God gives you. He claimed that God has 3 answers to prayer. Those include:

• Yes
• Wait
• Not your way, My way

You'll notice that "no" does not make that list. Today in chapel the speaker talked about how many times when we are faced with difficult situations and when we ask for God's help He may answer no. This causes us, even those of us who are Christians, to lose that peace that we have knowing Jesus as Lord.

I don't know why bad things happen and I certainly do not claim to know everything (ha, I'm only in college. That's why I'm in college so I can learn everything. :) ) But one thing I do know is that God never says "no" to our prayers. He may not give us the answers we desire, but that doesn't mean he has not answered them.

I prayed that I would get in to Bethel College and have the time of my life. God answered me with "Yes, but it's not gonna be easy. You're gonna have to work hard."

I desperately needed a job a few summers ago. His answer, "Wait". Because I waited for His timing and not my own I got to babysit 3 amazing kids who touched my heart.

A lady at our church was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer (an awful cancer that I'll hopefully post about later because September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month). Not only were her husband, children, and grandchildren praying for her, the whole church prayed that she would get well again. Sadly, she died a few months ago. To some it may seem that God did not answer our prayer or that He answered it with a "no", but He didn't. His reply was "Not your way, My way." You see, she may not be here on this earth with us, but our prayer for her to be healed was answered. God gave her something much better than simply healing her physically. She got to go home! She got to go and be with her Maker! She's in Heaven with the Father pain free and cancer free! So our prayer for her to be healed was answered, she even got more than what we had prayed for. It just was not in the way we had in mind.

I encourage everybody to think about this concept of God never saying "no" to us. Sometimes it may seem a little ridiculous and you may completely disagree with me and that's fine, but believing God's answer to be "not your way, My way" is way more optimistic than the answer of "no" and I'm not usually an optimistic person. But this is one thing that I can be optimistic about.

Comments appreciated! :) I'll try not to be too sensitive. :)

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you shall find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."-Luke 11:9-10 -That doesn't sound like a "no" to me. :) 

Oh, back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool.

Welcome back!
I've heard that a lot this past week. I am now officially a junior psychology and deaf studies major. So far I feel this is gonna be my hardest year yet. I think if I can survive this year I'll be able to make it the rest of my college career. But this time this year it's not gonna be the missing home and lack of independence part that's gonna be hard (I'm so proud of myself for not crying when I dropped my mom and sister at the train station. But my mom did :) ) What is gonna be hard is the work load that I'm gonna have this year. Research Methods and ASL III can you say EEK!!! To make matters worse I'm still needing to work on my motivation to do anything. And I need to work on not worrying about everything.

This week's worrying: Finding a job and having money to pay for stuff.

But the good news is that I'm not feeling homesick and lonely like I did last year and I just keep trying to remind myself:

"I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."-Philippians 1:6
So now matter what happens to me this year God has a purpose for me and that purpose is not finished until Jesus returns.

I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM WHO EMPOWERS ME. And so can you. :)

School's coming! eeekkk!!!

So I totally just realized (while I'm sitting on the toilet) :) that I'm heading back to school in exactly one week! Okay, so I know this shouldn't be scary, but it totally is...I am FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW! If you were to see me right now it wouldn't look that way but I definitely am...totally...freaking...out.
I have nothing against Bethel (except it being 7 hours away from home) and my parents are driving me crazy and this summer was a bust soooo....why am I freaking out...well, I'm about to tell you.

1. I have to take Research Methods this semester and I have yet to get an A in a psych class at Bethel. This is gonna be a major stressor.
2. I HATE packing....and unpacking....and packing...and unpacking...and you get the picture.
3. I NEED to find a job, especially since I'm gonna have a car and I'm gonna need to pay for gas somehow.
4. I am NOT independent. I want to be but I'm not I still need my mommy to do things for me like cut me a piece of cherry pie because I'm not strong enough to cut it. :)
5. I don't like dorms. I like having my own space.
6. I don't like being sick when I'm away from my mommy and I'm a hypochondriac so that's a problem.
7. I can't be lazy anymore because I have to work to get as good of grades as I do.
8. I have a curfew. ;)
9. I miss my home friends (even though I didn't really do much with them this summer...sad.)
10. I don't like missing all the family and church gossip ;)
11. And the big one....MY NIECE....and Petey I can't forget Petey.

So now that I've depressed everybody...sorry but I had to let it out. :) Here are some reasons why I'm happy to be going back.

1. I'm living in the Lodge this year which is gonna be soooo nice. I'm pretty stoked about that.
2. Awesome chapels 3 days a week.
3. I'm closer to my gma so if I get too depressed I can go visit her...and get more depressed because she's depressing...okay maybe that's a bad idea...moving on.
4. I don't have to listen to my mom grumble and complain (and I don't have to load and unload the dishwasher).
5. My mom won't confuse my laundry with my sister's. But my sister will most likely be stealing my stuff while I'm gone and messing it up which really irritates me. But that's okay because all my good stuff is coming with me. And the laundry at school is free. :)
6. There's a lot more to do at Bethel
7. I get to see my friends (and hopefully I'll be more outgoing this year and do more with them).
8. I get to be independent (but I still need my mommy and daddy' money). :(
9. I'll enjoy my family time more because I'll actually want to see them after not seeing them for a while.
10. More life lessons to be learned and seeing God work in mysterious and wonderful ways.

Okay, I feel better now.

You just might be a Lutheran if...

• You hold your hymnal open for the entire service but never look down at it.
• You think you're paying your pastor too much when he buys a new car after 9 years-I think our church is guilty if that. It was a while before my dad got a new car. :)
• You know church is going to be absolutely packed on Easter Sunday but you show up late anyway-ha, totally guilty of that. And I live right next door which is even sadder. :)
• You're watching Star Wars and when they say, "the force be with you" you reply with "and also with you."-you have no idea how much this makes me laugh. Lutherans are so big on "and also with you."
• J.S. Bach is your favorite composer just because he's Lutheran-dads guilty of that.
• You feel guilty about not feeling guilty-I don't know if I would put it that way or not.
• You actually think the pastors jokes are funny-sometimes, but not really. Pastors have the weirdest sense of humor.
• You dress up as your favorite reformer for Halloween-we've never actually done that but I think we talk about it every year. :)
• The only mealtime prayer you know is "Come Lord Jesus" and you can say it in one breath.-This is so true. ha, you have no idea how funny this is to me because it's so true. :p
• You believe that there is an 11th Commandment "If it's never been done that way before, don't do it."-once again so true...One thing Lutherans are afraid of is change.
• Your Baptist friends think you're Catholic
• Your Catholic friends think you're Baptist
• You sing "Stand Up, Stand Up For Jesus" while sitting down-bahahaha...this one made me laugh so had.-but I'm not sure if we've actually done this before.
• All your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia-so far only my dad has, but both of the sibs went to a Concordia their freshman year of college.
• You know the different between a "collect" and a "gradual"-I don't even know if we use a gradual.
• You love the new hymnal-yup, I do.
• You hate the new hymnal.
• You make change in the offering plate for a $5 bill-I never have, but that is so us.
• Your idea of a mixed marriage is an ELCA bride and an LCMS groom.-My parents have already told me that if my fiance isn't LCMS he'll have to convert, even if he's ELCA and if he's WELLS I'd probably have to convert.
• Your 47 years old and your parents still won't let you date a Roman Catholic.-haha, so funny! :p
• You know how to say "Melanchthon" in German-nope, I have no idea.
• You hum "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" while mowing the lawn- I do not, but I do hum other hymns like "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". I wonder if my dad hums hymns...hmm...
• Your LCMS pastor refers to St. Louis as "The Holy City"-haha, no I've never heard it called that...just home.
• When you're agreeing with someone instead of saying "yes, I agree" you say "this is most certainly true"-haha, yes I think I do...we love that phrase. :p
• You and your family of 7 go to a Lenten supper and leave a free will offering of $2.-no never done that
• You go to the Lenten supper at your church and skip the service after the meal-no, that's a no no. 
• Your church uses folding chairs but you call them "pews"-no I call our pews pews.
• Rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church you just check their name in the guest book.-I don't think we use our guest book very much. I just ask Mom or Dad who the people are that I don't know.
• You think the way Calvinists number the commandments is not only incorrect but heretical.-I have no idea what this one means.
• The Sunday church bulletins are 17 pages long.-more like 7 or 8.
• You hold up the line at the end of the service-I don't. I can see my daddy any time. It's everybody else who holds up the line. :p
• You insist on spelling "catholic" with a small c.-nope.
• You know it's wrong to applaud during the service.-very...but I want to so bad.
• You doodle on the back of the communion cards.-no, the bulletin. :p
• Every time something changes, the old way was better.-yup, change bad!
• You have to rope off the last pews so the front ones aren't empty.-nope. My family will always be sitting in the front.
• Your house is a mess because you're saved by grace, not by works.-haha, too funny. We actually have a very clean house. But there are others things we lack because we're saved by grace not by works. 

Those were just for fun. Now on a more serious note...

I decided to do this blog because before coming to Bethel I kinda...pretty much hated...Lutherans, even though I was one. I hated how stuck up we were thinking we were better than everybody else. I hated how little we did for others, unless, of course, they were Lutherans. I hated that we were like robots during worship services not being able to clap. I was kinda excited to be able to go to contemporary worship and try out new churches.

But...then after spending a year and a May term at Bethel I've realized that there are some things that Lutherans are waaaayyy better at. I LOVE that our worship services don't just contain singing, praying, and a message. BORING!!! Plus, I can't listen to a 30-45 minute sermon. My attention span does not last that long. I love that we recite the Apostle's Creed (We're confessing our faith). I love that we have confession and absolution. When we had this "revival" on campus I'm not gonna lie, it didn't affect me, because for me confession is something that I do routinely. I don't need a revival. And then the absolution where you hear the sweet words..."Upon this your confession and in the stead and by the command of my Lord Jesus Christ, I forgive you all your sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." Ahh...music to my ears! And we have Holy Absolution where we can confess something to your pastor. See, for me, I don't feel the need to confess my sins to everybody, unless that sin involves everybody and I need their forgiveness too. Otherwise it's between me and God. I like that we recite the Lord's Prayer and pray for those in need. I like that before the sermon we read from the Old Testament, Epistle, and the Gospel. And I like that everything else we do in worship comes from Scripture like the Benediction...LOVE the benediction. And you know, some of our hymns are not that bad. We have very good music.

However, there are things that Lutherans (me) lack. Lutherans are not very happy peppy people. That is one thing I liked about the other churches I went to. Everybody was so happy and friendly. I hate that we're so afraid of change. People in our congregation are so picky! I hate that we think other Christians need to be just like us and when they explain their faith it's not right unless you pretty much recite the Apostle's Creed to them. I hate how little we help others. And when we do it's for Lutheran people and it feels like a chore. That's one thing Lutherans definitely have wrong. "That we're saved by grace not by good works cuz that's what Paul says in the Bible." Okay, Lutherans if you know the Bible so well (I really don't know it that well) then try reading James where he says faith is pretty much crap unless you express it through your good deeds. Or like the song states, "Yes, they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love. Yes they'll know we are Christians by our love." Or in the words of St. Francis, "Preach the Gospel, sometimes use words."

I'm hoping that after this realization I'll be able to come to a happy medium.

To end this...interesting blog I'm gonna copy the Mormon commercials (Cuz I kinda like them and think Lutherans and everybody else should do them):

I'm Elizabeth Troup and I'm a junior Psychology and Deaf Studies major at Bethel College in Indiana. I love psychology because I like learning more about the mind and how it works. I like seeing the effects that different things have on the mind like society and drugs. I think I like it so much because I'm always becoming more convinced of how normal I actually am. And I want to help others see how normal they are too. I want to comfort them by showing them that they're not the only one who's experienced that emotion before. I don't think there is a such thing as normal. We're all so unique but at the same time experience similar things and react in similar ways. God made us all individuals but I believe He put us all on this earth to help each other. Sometimes we need more than the simple fact that God is always with us. We need that hug or hear those words of comfort come out from a person's mouth. I love Deaf Studies and ASL (American Sign Language) because it is something that has been a part of my life since I was in kindergarten and I met a Deaf person for the first time. I love the history of the Deaf culture, the trials they had to go through and how far they have come. The development of ASL is extraordinary. The language is one like no other. It shows much more emotion then words could ever express. Since God didn't give me the gift of a fine singing voice I use my gift of signing to express my emotions along with the music. I absolutely love it! It's almost like acting in a way except you're not actually acting. When school starts to get to me or my family is stressing me out I know that I can always find refuge in the pages of a book, a pen in my hand, music to my ears, dance, or a classic romcom. I love reading. I'm  a wannabe writer. I love music especially the lyrics. I'm an amateur dancer. I love movies. I believe you can find a Christian message in just about every novel you read or movie you watch and if not a Christian message than some message that makes you stop and think. I love my family. They're so supportive. I love the fun we have together and the memories we make. I love my niece. She can always put a smile on my face. My name is Elizabeth Troup. I'm a daughter, a sister/sister-in-law, an aunt, a student, and an artist. I love my family, dogs, the arts. I don't care if people pick their noses cuz I do it too. I believe Jesus is my Lord and Savior and I'm a Lutheran.

I apologize if this has offended anybody. These are just my own opinions.

Shelter

During fall semester last year Bethel had Jars of Clay come and perform. The last song they sang was Shelter and I absolutely LOVE this song. So I wanted to share it all with you. I think the message of it is pretty extraordinary.

They aren't actually performing Shelter in this shot. I didn't get one of them singing that song. :)

To all who are looking down
Holding onto hearts still wounding
For those who’ve yet to find it
The places near where love is moving

Cast off the robes you’re wearing
Set aside the names that you’ve been given
May this place of rest in the fold of your journey
Bind you to hope, you will never walk alone

In the shelter of each other, we will live, we will live
In the shelter of each other, we will live, we will live
Your arms are all around us

If our hearts have turned to stone
There is hope, we know the rocks will cry out
And the tears aren’t ours alone
Let them fall into the hands that hold us

Come away from where you’re hiding
Set aside the lies that you’ve been living
May this place of rest in the fold of your journey
Bind you to hope that we will never walk alone

If there is any peace, if there is any hope
We must all believe, our lives are not our own
We all belong
God has given us each other
And we will never walk alone

"The LORD God said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."-Genesis 2:18

True Confessions

Only two days left of finals and I'll be finished as a college  sophomore! It's crazy how fast time flies. It feels like only yesterday I was at my high school graduation and I was so excited about getting away from home and I had my life all planned out. Ha...that was a joke!
Something I learned a while ago that for some reason I keep forgetting is that my plans don't ever work out. But God's plans are perfect.
It's so hard not to rely on your own plans though. Sometimes, when you're waiting for God to tell you what to do it's like, "Come on what's taking so long." You get frustrated and you wonder if God's actually talking to you. If He's actually hearing your worries and concerns. This has probably been my biggest struggle this year.
This year has been so different from my freshman year at MacMurray. I'm still trying to figure out if it's a good different. Last year I mostly struggled with homesickness because of the non-Christian environment and working on my self-love. One thing I never questioned though was God's plan. I felt connected and in control. It got even better when I found Bethel and could feel God telling me that this was where I was supposed to be.
But now, I'm here at Bethel and I don't feel that connection. I sort of feel like I've drawn away from God. I don't feel in control and I feel completely alone. Which I find very strange because I'm in a Christian environment. I'm in that environment that I so desperately craved last year at MacMurray. The professors and students are awesome. I like that professors always make time for prayer in the classroom. I like chapel. I like that my professors know my name. MacMurray had about 600 students and not all of my professors knew my name. That's kind of sad considering Bethel has around 2000 and my professors know my name. Last year my advisor didn't even know who I was! CRAZY!!! But my advisor last year was also very encouraging about my decision to be an interpreting and social work major. Here at Bethel they look at you like you're crazy if you want to do interpreting and psychology and don't really recommend it. Despite all this...it still feels like something is missing. I like it here at Bethel. There's just something...different I guess going on.

Since I don't want to leave this on a sad note I'm going to make a list (I love lists) of the things I have learned and enjoyed from this year.
1. I've learned the importance of family. And not just my mom, but EVERYBODY!
2. I've learned the many differences of Lutherans & everybody else. What our strengths are & what we lack. This kind of explains some of my feelings listed above.
3. I now appreciate the concept of a clean house/bedroom/whatever.
4. Last year at MacMurray really wasn't so bad, but I still would not go back there.
5. People care more than you think they do. There are times where you wonder if your efforts & thoughts are even considered.
6. I'm kind of ignorant.
7. Writing is so beneficial to one's health, but having to write a lot for school kind of diminishes that desire to write.
8. Baths are very beneficial to one's health too.
9. It really does help to have connections.
10. Growing up is hard! Figuring out what's really worth putting in effort is even harder.

But in the words of e.e. cummings-"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

In case you can't read the picture it says there's always hope.

I had to add this for a little humor. :)

Shall We Dance

Shekinah Glory performed in chapel yesterday. (For those of you who don't know Shekinah Glory is our dance/worship team at Bethel). Once again it felt so good to be up there on stage and performing again. What makes this experience so much better than my previous dancing experiences is because the times that I am up there performing in chapel I don't feel nervous at all. I truly feel that what I am doing up there is for God and God alone. Even in the past when I have performed alone at church services I would still get so nervous and no sense of peace like I do know at chapel. I guess that just proves how much I have grown.

Here's the gang. These girls are awesome!

I've Got a Feelin'

It's really strange, this feeling I have. (I feel like this line has been in a song or movie or something.) Anyway...
So this feeling. I don't know what it is. I don't think it's anxiety. I'm a little anxious and stressed about everything that has to get done the rest of this semester, but strangely I'm not worried. I don't think it's laziness. For the first time I actually feel like doing my work and getting it done, but I haven't really started doing it yet.
Strange...
Maybe it's boredom. I keep watching these drama movies like Life As We Know It, Burlesque, and A Mighty Heart. You know I've discovered that the reason people are so drawn to movies like these and T.V. shows like Glee and One Tree Hill is because people crave the drama. They want excitement in their lives that they can't find elsewhere. They think singing and dancing their way through life and getting attacked by a psycho nanny will make their lives better. I admit I'm one of those people.
You would think that as a college student I wouldn't feel the need to seek drama. I mean that's the reason I started this blog to document my college career and to add excitement to my life. I can't say that it has worked so far.
Though, you know, when you stop to think about it...
Life is one crazy filled drama. No days are the same. We have similar days, but days that are never the same.
So I'm obviously not bored...
So what is this feeling....?

Findings

So today I discovered a few things I thought I'd share with you. :)
1. Stretching feels so good. I really miss dance class.
2. My politeness & patience really does get noticed.
3. I am so blessed!
4. I really do feel like God does want me at BCHFS this summer for my internship.
5. I really need to figure out what my learning style is so I can study better.
6. It's so quiet when not all of my roommates are here. I can't decide if I like it.
7. For the first time I really believe that if it's God's will, it will work. I still don't exactly know for sure what that is, but it will work out. :)
8. Teachers really do care & I'm happy that my teachers know my name out of 2000 students. My old college couldn't even remember my name out of less than 600.
9. Music is so therapeutic.
10. I wish I was craftier, like making my own clothes or jewlrey. Maybe I'll use some of my birthday money to buy a how-to jewelry book. :)

So what have you discovered today?